Orwellian Snapshots (future time travel), episode 1: “Obama’s SOU speech, January 2012″
[You may have noticed that this future episode of Time Travel has a different logo, and that the number is 1. This is to distinguish it from previous episodes, which all took place in the past. Allow me to explain why I am separating the two “genres."
First, I have a confession to make: I am traveling into the future on my own initiative. Although initially promising to consider trips to the future, Rahm later informed me that it was too risky. So yours truly decided to try a quick jaunt when no one was looking. This is possible because I am now trusted in the White House and can pretty much come and go as I please.
Just one thing, dear AWOL reader: Please keep these “Orwellian Snapshots" confidential. I have decided not to report my findings to Rahm and the rest of the administration. If you read the entire episode, you are giving your implied consent not to divulge anything to the Obama administration or to the press. Thank you so much for your cooperation.
(For background information on the entire Time Travel series, read this post.)]
With everything now happening in our country, I could not resist the temptation to view the Obama administration in action several years hence. I set the dials on the time machine to bring me to Washington, DC in January 2012, three years into the presidential term. Of all places, I was deposited in the Capitol building, right there in the thick of things. The chamber was buzzing with activity. I recognized a few faces, those of representatives and senators from our own day.
Listening to the excited conversation around me, I learned that the president was about to arrive, and he would be delivering the State of the Union address. Mr. Biden pounded the gavel and everyone took their seats. I remained standing, awestruck by the entire scene. (Recall that I am invisible to those around me.)
Seeing that huge American flag behind the podium gave me goose bumps. I noticed that off to either side were two smaller flags carrying the familiar symbol of Hope and Change.
A hush came over the crowd. The sergeant-at-arms made his customary announcement, which was followed by the entrance of the President of the United States. All present rose to their feet for a rousing (and prolonged) standing ovation. After the nation’s leaders settled down, Mr. Obama began to recount the state of the union. Following are highlights of his speech.
“Mr. Vice-President, Madame Speaker, members of the cabinet, senators and representatives, chiefs of the joint staff, my fellow Americans: It is truly an honor to be addressing you here, on the third anniversary of our audacious experiment in hope and change. And change is exactly what we have brought to this great country [applause; president has a broad smile].
Let us begin with the issue that is on everyone’s mind, the economy. My administration inherited a failing economy that favored the rich, and we transformed it into a system of fairness and social justice. Today, only the rich pay taxes. This April, fully ninety percent of Americans will pay no federal income tax. What other president can point to such an accomplishment? To dispel any rumors, let me state the rule unequivocally: If your family makes less than $15,000 per year, you don’t pay taxes. Period.
Don’t think it was easy to make the other ten percent of the people, together with the corporations, pay their fair share. Greed and the old capitalist mentality are still with us. Make no mistake about it: This greed is responsible for our current inflation rate of 200 percent. After all, what’s to stop them from constantly raising their prices to make more money?
But this will soon be a thing of the past. I will present to this Congress a new tax on corporate profits, ranging between 80 and 99 percent. The rate will depend on the social fairness and environmental friendliness of the profits, as determined by the Federal Corporate Decision Review Board.
Those gluttonous executives will think twice before raising prices. [applause] My special advisor on corporate affairs, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, has assured me that inflation will be licked within three months…
Let us examine our accomplishments in the area of energy policy. Fully 40 percent of our nation’s energy now comes from renewable resources; wind, solar, and so on. We have been able to do this thanks to the strict gasoline rationing program we put in place in 2010. I would like to thank the American people for their cooperation. Unfortunately, not everyone has been so enlightened. Selfish individuals, particularly in the interior of the country, have been caught illegally purchasing gasoline and heating oil.
It is no wonder, then, that 80,000 people froze to death during last month’s blizzard in Minnesota and Wisconsin. But I assure you, this will not happen again. I am establishing a new Fuel Rationing Security Force, who will have orders to shoot the thieves on sight…
And what shall we say about that favorite hobbyhorse of right-wing extremists—immigration reform? [The president chuckles; a titter runs through the chamber] Remember them moaning about the millions of so-called illegals in this country? Well how many ‘illegals’ are there today? I challenge anyone in this room to go out and find one. There aren’t any, of course, because they’ve all become happy, loyal American citizens. Problem solved. [applause]…
Let us consider foreign affairs, first and foremost our relations with the Muslim world. These relations have never been better. You may have seen last week’s AP poll of Hizbollah fighters, where fully 82 percent have a favorable view of the United States. This is up from 65 percent a year ago, and only 2 percent at the end of the previous administration.
But peace comes at a price. I would like to personally thank the citizens from the radioactive zone that used to be known as the state of Mississippi. I have instructed the secretary of defense to award, posthumously, a purple heart to every one of the two million men, women, and children who made the supreme sacrifice [applause]…
We have achieved so much in only three years. Have no fear—hope and change are here!! [standing ovation]
Wow, what a speech! Can you see why I want to keep this information confidential? A leak could cause widespread panic, fomented by people who don’t understand what hope and change are really about. Not everyone grasps the true nature of revolution, and the fact that progress sometimes requires a little pain.
Viewed from a different angle, however, the future seems to have a distinctly Orwellian feel about it…
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February 18th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Brilliant! More so because it requires such little suspension of disbelief. Everything is success for Obama, just as everything was failure for Bush. 2,080,000 dead? Wonderful! Think what a burden that is lifted off the health care system!
Best not to mention Orwell, though. Our narrator is all in for Hope and Change and consequently would never have a negative association with anything done by Obama. Bush is Big Brother. Obama changed all his oppressive ways. Do they have 2 minutes hate against Bush in 2012? Or does that not come around until Obama’s third term?
I decided today that I am henceforth going to refer to our Head of State as “Mr. Thompson.” Liberals will have to look up the reference in order to understand that I am insulting their king, and in doing so might accidentally learn something. I’m devious.
February 19th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
I’m surprised that price controls have not yet been imposed. And you failed to notice that the president required a tank convoy to travel to the capitol from the white house.
February 23rd, 2009 at 6:58 pm
To better understand the forces leading up to this State of the Union Suit message, we need to shed a tear for the passing of a beloved old friend some 3 years earlier.
An obituary that was printed in the London Times: Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t always fair; and maybe it really was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (such as adults, not children, should be in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their ill-behaved children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.Common Sense took a beating when it was decided you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense began to lose the will to live as organized religions became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived only by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I’m A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized Common Sense was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing
February 24th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Listening to Mr. Thompson’s speech…
We are so screwed.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Mr. Tweedy: They may already have the two-minute hate in 2012, but I just didn’t see it in my brief visit to Washington. However, I think that Obama’s third term, as you put it, would be more likely.
“We are so screwed.” Yes, but the wake-up call has begun.
Ken: Price controls were already instituted in 2010.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Yeah, I thought Jindal’s speech was pretty good. Perhaps there is hope.
“The strength of America is not found in our government. It is found in the compassionate hearts and the enterprising spirit of our citizens.” –Piyush Jindal