Time Travel, episode 6: “Birth of the Military-Industrial Complex”

[Note: Below is the sixth episode of the Time Travel series. For background information, read this post. For past episodes, click the "Time Travel" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]

Last week, I reported on a meeting of the Founding Fathers, in Philadelphia, on the eve of the Revolutionary War. Today I will describe what I saw at the Constitutional Convention, taking place in the same city in the late spring of 1787.

From the time machine, it was a short walk to that famous building on Independence Plaza in which the fateful assembly took place. Just outside, in the yard, I noticed a workman with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a giant bell. I continued into the hall.

The convention was in session. As you shall see, I arrived at a particularly propitious moment.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: I hereby call this meeting to order.

JAMES MADISON: Mr. Chairman, the delegation from the Commonwealth of Virginia wishes to be recognized.

WASHINGTON: Very well. By the way, where’s Mr. Jefferson?

MADISON: He’s in Paris.

WASHINGTON: I thought he was scheduled to return last month.

MADISON: He was, but… [looks around nervously]… Let us say that he got himself into an embarrassing situation at court…

GOV. MORRIS: What, bedding down again with the queen of France?

[Round of laughter.]

WASHINGTON: [Pounding the gavel] Gentlemen, please. Mr. Madison, you have the floor.

MADISON: Thank you. The Virginia delegation is concerned that under the current proposed text of the Constitution, the people will be able to vote for an audacious program of hope and change, and overthrow our sacred, God-given, white sexist capitalist imperialist neo-fascist state. So we propose that the Supreme Court be given the authority to review election results, and in the event that hope and change prevails, the Court shall overturn it forthwith.

GOV. MORRIS: You mean steal the election?

MADISON: Well…um…yes.

GOV. MORRIS: Excellent!

[Round of applause.]

WASHINGTON: We will now hear from Mr. Franklin.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Mr. Chairman, it is well known that the plebeians are ignorant, gullible slobs. Undoubtedly, we can continue to brainwash them into supporting our reactionary designs. But we must throw them a bone here and there. Bread and circuses, as they say.

ALEXANDER HAMILTON: What kind of bone did you have in mind?

FRANKLIN: I was thinking of the right to keep and bear arms. Nothing like guns to keep the little buggers happy. They feel all macho, keep their womenfolk barefoot and in the kitchen, and whip themselves into a bloodthirsty, warlike frenzy.

HAMILTON: Fantastic. That means they’ll go along with our imperialist wars of conquest and domination.

FRANKLIN: [smiling] Go along? They’ll be begging for more. The military will have trouble keeping up with the demands for death and destruction.

WASHINGTON: Very well. You shall head a committee charged with writing a special amendment for guns.

FRANKLIN: Thank you, sir.

HAMILTON: So when are we starting these wars of conquest and domination already? The so-called revolution has been over for some time, but we’re still dilly-dallying.

WASHINGTON: Patience, patience. We just finished paying off our soldiers and suppliers. Very soon we can afford to begin a new round of belligerence and unprovoked aggression.

HAMILTON: There’s no need whatsoever to delay. The Americas lie before us. We’ll rape, loot, and pillage our way to riches.

GOV. MORRIS: Of course we will. But there’s one thing you’re forgetting, Mr. Hamilton.

HAMILTON: What’s that?

GOV. MORRIS: We must be sure to make the president a virtual dictator. Commander-in-chief with full power over the military. Otherwise, those damn liberals might stop us from ravaging entire continents and sucking the last drop of wealth from the conquered lands.

FRANKLIN: By golly, you’ve got something there. Only how will the army extract all the riches and convert them to fungible wealth?

MADISON: For that, we will create a new entity, known as the corporation ….. BWAHAHAHAHA!! And we shall link it with the army in what I call the military-industrial complex. There will be a revolving door for insiders, and we’ll all be swimming in money.

HAMILTON: Well said, Jimmy old boy. And the first president should be an army man. We need to set off on the right foot. [Stands up.] I propose, here and now, that George Washington be our choice. [Tumultuous applause.] General Washington, do you accept?

WASHINGTON: [Looking embarrassed.] Well, okay. You twisted my arm. [More applause.]

HAMILTON: How will you begin your administration?

WASHINGTON: Crush the Canucks in the north, the Injuns in the west, and the Hispanics in the south. Use the navy to secure the slave trade. Form alliances with our white reactionary brethren in Europe. Spy on dissenters at home. Shoot student protesters. [Pauses for a moment.] That’s all I can tell you right now. I haven’t thought about the second week yet.

HAMILTON: That’s okay, sir. With a positive attitude like that, we’re confident that you’ll do just fine.

MADISON [standing up]: I propose a toast. [All rise.] Where are those damn slaves when you need them? [A group of slaves rush into the hall and bow down before their master.] Bring our best cognac for the gentlemen. [Slaves exit and return with bottles and glasses, and serve the delegates. Madison raises his glass; all his colleagues do likewise.] To the perpetuation of the patriarchy! To the demise of hope and change for centuries to come! [Downs his drink; all do likewise.]

This will be sufficient, I thought. I raced back to the time machine as fast as my legs could carry me. I must make this report available to the American people—pronto!

Just as I was departing, I looked back and saw evidence for what might be the earliest known case of collusion between the U.S. government and greedy corporations: