Headlines from the Year 2020 (no. 19)

This is the nineteenth installment in a continuing series. Here is what life will be like in the year 2020 if our civilization continues to go AWOL:

• Association of Body-Mass Index Victims gives its Disproportionate Posterior Index Lifetime Achievement award to Michelle Obama
• All U.S. aircraft carriers and half the destroyer fleet out of commission due to multitude of pregnant sailors
• Fighter jet crashes because of lovers’ quarrel between pilot and navigator
• Racial Balance Czar forbids further influx of Caucasians into border states
• U.S. conveys official apology to North Korea for decades of “slander and violence against a benevolent, peaceful, and progressive society”
• A record 754 bloggers apprehended last week and exiled to reeducation camps in Guam after being caught practicing journalism without a license
• CNN announces “historic” occasion: For the first time, undocumented Americans outnumber citizens
• Immigration to U.S. from Northern European countries halted pending investigation of this population’s tendency to commit hate crimes
• Arabic becomes official language of Great Britain; English still permitted during two-year transition period
• French navy seizes ship smuggling weapons to Muslim insurgents in Marseilles; Israel issues condemnation
• Annual federal budget reaches 500% of GDP; President Holder convenes special commission to “overcome, once and for all, the Bush legacy”
• First retroactive income tax goes into effect; targeted are selfish profits made during the Reagan-Bush years of capitalist expropriation
• Average professional sports game lasts almost six hours due to proliferation of advertising and booth review
• American League changes its name to Humanity Baseball League following settlement of national-origin-harassment lawsuit brought by non-American players
• At World Cup in Zimbabwe, victorious Brazilian team eaten by fans; U.S. ambassador-at-large Bill Clinton praises the “spontaneous overflow of togetherness and brotherhood”
• Kevin Jennings, head of the Sexual Health Administration, announces that all heterosexual liaisons now subject to approval by local advisory boards
• Shocker: Barack Obama admits being the illegitimate love-child of Helen Thomas and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright

Would you care to add your own headlines?

[Note: To see earlier installments of “Headlines from the Year 2020," click the All Fiction link on the sidebar (located under Orwellian Snapshots).]