Michelle Knows Best, episode 23: “A Big Hole in the Ground”

 

[Note: Below is the twenty-third episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]

 

We join Michelle and Barack aboard the presidential jet, Air Force One, as they fly over Phoenix, Arizona. The airplane is in a steep climb. The president and first lady are standing behind the seats of the pilot and copilot, hanging on.

PILOT

That was too close for comfort, Mr. President. I can’t guarantee that we’ll be able to pull out of a dive like that again.

MICHELLE

He’s right, Barry. We could’ve all been killed. Then Joe Biden would be president, and that prissy little wife of his would be first lady. Ugh.

BARACK

All right, all right. I just wanted to get close enough to the Arizona state legislature so that they could actually see my face as we buzz them.

PILOT

Where to, sir?

BARACK

Grand Canyon.

The First Couple leave the cockpit and enter the main cabin of Air Force One. Waiting for them is the secretary-general of the UN, Ban Ki-moon. Ban beams a broad smile, and extends his arms to each side in a “here I am” gesture. Long applause from studio audience. They all shake hands, exchange greetings, and take their seats.

MICHELLE

Thanks for waiting, Ban. We’re finally on our way to the Grand Canyon.

BAN

Excellent. So what is this secret plan you were hinting at when you invited me on this trip?

MICHELLE

In a nutshell, we’re taking the Grand Canyon away from Arizona.

BAN

[stroking chin] Interesting…

BARACK

Arizona acted stupidly. But hey, you’re bound to have a rogue state now and then when there’s fifty-seven of them.

MICHELLE

We’re going to redraw the state border, so that the Grand Canyon is detached. That’s where you come in.

BAN

How is that?

MICHELLE

We want to turn the area into a World Heritage site, but with full sovereignty in the hands of the UN.

BARACK

You’ll bring in UN soldiers, to maintain order. All those racists in Arizona might just organize a posse, and literally ride in with Sheriff Joe Arpaio leading the way. Of course we’ll send U.S. troops to help, but it would be easier politically if your boys took care of the rabble—if you know what I mean. [nervous titter from audience]

BAN

Naturally.

MICHELLE

It’s a win-win situation. Arizona is punished, the UN helps to fight American racism, land is protected from Global Warming, and America shows that it can share one of its top attractions with the entire world, instead of selfishly hogging it all for itself. For once, I can be proud of my country.

BAN

This is fantastic!

MICHELLE

Idaho has also been acting up, so we’re thinking of doing the same thing with Yellowstone National Park.

BARACK

Umm…Yellowstone is in Nevada, dear.

MICHELLE

Well, whatever.

BARACK

[Pointing out the window] Look, it’s the Grand Canyon.

MICHELLE

That’s the Grand Canyon? It’s just a big hole in the ground. [chuckle from audience] Barry, are you sure that anyone in Arizona will care what we do with it?

BARACK

Absolutely. It has great historical significance.

BAN

Weren’t millions of Native Americans massacred there?

BARACK

Wow, Ban, you really know your American history! Yes, just after Custer’s last stand, two million women and children were tortured and then pushed off the cliffs. Even today, hikers uncover skeletons that haven’t been cleared out yet. That’s why white people go on pilgrimages to the Grand Canyon.

BAN

What a terrible nation. Are you sure you don’t want to transfer sovereignty of the entire country to the UN?

BARACK

Patience, my boy, patience…

 

Applause from audience. Theme song and credits.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another zany adventure of Michelle Knows Best.

Fade out; cut to commercial for bone-detection equipment.

 

These people will save us from Bible-thumping redneck racist reactionaries:

 

 

Published by Gary on June 2nd, 2010 | Filed under Fiction, Humor, Michelle Knows Best