State of the Union: Words vs. Thoughts

 

[Note: I will be attending the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington, February 18-20, as an exhibitor. If you'll be there, come visit my booth (#1006) and introduce yourself.]

 

Below are selected quotes from the President’s State of the Union address of January 27, followed in each case by what Mr. Obama was thinking at that particular moment. His thoughts, I believe, may prove to be more interesting and revealing than the actual words spoken. Let’s take a peek into the mind of The Anointed One, shall we?

 

 

“Madam Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans: Our Constitution declares that from time to time, the President shall give to Congress information about the state of our union.”

Maybe the Constitution isn’t so bad after all. Imagine that—it tells me that I need to make speeches! As if I needed prodding, heh heh.

“But when the Union was turned back at Bull Run, and the Allies first landed at Omaha Beach, victory was very much in doubt.”

I don’t know where these speechwriters get their information. Omaha is smack in the middle of the country; what beach are they talking about? How could anybody land there?

“Again, we are tested. And again, we must answer history’s call.”

After all, is this not the most historic presidency ever? Isn’t my very presence here historic? Has one nanosecond of my time in the White House (I hate that name) not been historic?

“This recession has also compounded the burdens that America’s families have been dealing with for decades—the burden of working harder and longer for less.”

Hmm, decades—in the plural—might not have been the best word to use here. When did the last Democratic president leave office, wasn’t it at the end of 2000? Maybe I should have said that Americans have been dealing with burdens for one decade.

“If we had allowed the meltdown of the financial system, unemployment might be double what it is today…Because of the steps we took, there are about two million Americans working right now who would otherwise be unemployed.”

An understatement, but okay. Heck, if McCain would have been elected, which would have immediately been followed by a depression, tens of millions of jobs would have been lost. So at least half the country should be thanking me for saving their jobs.

“Now, the true engine of job creation in this country will always be America’s businesses. But government can create the conditions necessary for businesses to expand and hire more workers.”

By preventing all the rich business-owners from sucking every last drop of profit from the workers. Didn’t Marx call that surplus-value? The greedy bourgoisie steal all the profits, and live in high style in their Trump towers. I’ll put an end to that, if it’s the last thing I do.

“Tomorrow, I’ll visit Tampa, Florida, where workers will soon break ground on a new high-speed railroad funded by the Recovery Act.”

Who the hell’s going to take a high-speed train in Florida, of all places? Oh well, the greenies are really hot for trains. And it’s so European. So it makes me look spiffy.

“We should put more Americans to work building clean energy facilities, and give rebates to Americans who make their homes more energy-efficient, which supports clean energy jobs.”

Yeah, and put those Texas Republican oil billionaires out of business for good.

“We can’t afford another so-called economic ‘expansion’ like the one from the last decade.”

There, fixed that decade thing. No doubt who I’m referring to now.

It’s good that I put a stop to Bush’s horrible economic expansion. Could we let the unfairness continue indefinitely? Allow people to ignore their suffering brethren while they selfishly make money for themselves? It’s all about ending greed.

“Meanwhile, China is not waiting to revamp its economy. Germany is not waiting. India is not waiting…They’re making serious investments in clean energy because they want those jobs. Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America.”

I’ll be damned if those Chinese corner the market on windmills. I can see it now—the Chinese premier addressing the next Climate Summit, boasting about how his country is the world’s top producer of green technology. They’re tricky, those people. Did you notice how they walked out of the Copenhagen climate talks to make it look like they’re opposed to caps on carbon dioxide? Well I’m not going to be a sucker. I’ll be up there, me, at the next summit, leading the world!

“You can see the results of last year’s investments in clean energy…in the California business that will put a thousand people to work making solar panels.”

Now why can’t these right-wing reactionaries understand simple economics? It’s so easy! With a stroke of my presidential pen, I sent the money to California, enabling that company to hire a thousand people. I could do that every day, say, for a month, until thirty or forty million people are working on clean energy. Voila, our problems are over.

“I know that there are those who disagree with the overwhelming scientific evidence on climate change. But here’s the thing—even if you doubt the evidence, providing incentives for energy-efficiency and clean energy are the right thing to do for our future—because the nation that leads the clean energy economy will be the nation that leads the global economy. And America must be that nation.”

What absolute morons, those Global Warming—I mean, Climate Change deniers. Wasn’t it enough that the United Nations itself settled the matter? What, they expect God to step down from the heavens and confirm it? Heh…Nice try with that supposed email scandal in England, cooked up by Rush Limbaugh. We’ll see who’s laughing when Texas is underwater. And then there’s the clean energy economy. Why don’t they get it? Don’t they realize that China and India and Brazil are dreaming of the day when all their garbage is recycled, their cars are electric, and their food products are fair-trade?

Heh…I know the real reason for the behavior of the deniers. They just want to keep polluting the earth while they make easy money doing it. After all, their beloved Free Market makes them kill, rape, loot, and pillage, anything for the almighty dollar. Man, it makes me embarrassed to be an American.

“When we renew the Elementary and Secondary Education Act, we will work with Congress to expand these reforms to all 50 states.”

Why can’t the federal government just take over the public schools already? How many times do I have to hear about that stupid Tenth Amendment? I’m sick of it. The Constitution is a living document—and we’re livin’ right now, big time.

“Now, this year, we’ve broken through the stalemate between left and right by launching a national competition to improve our schools. And the idea here is simple: Instead of rewarding failure, we only reward success.”

But of course kids need a level playing field. So I’ll push ahead with more affirmative action programs to make them successful. If we let racist local school districts run everything, they’ll rig the system so that minorities fail.

“The approach we’ve taken would give small businesses and uninsured Americans a chance to choose an affordable health care plan in a competitive market. It would require every insurance plan to cover preventive care.”

How can people be given real choices if the providers are able to offer whatever they want? We’ll tell the companies what has to be in the plans, and then people can choose which one they want. What’s fair is fair.

“It would reduce costs and premiums for millions of families and businesses…Our approach would bring down the deficit by as much as $1 trillion over the next two decades.”

I have it all worked out: We force the greedy insurance companies to cover everyone. They make less profit. More money stays with the people. Their incomes rise, and more tax revenue comes in. The deficit goes down!

“By the time I’m finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their health insurance. Millions will lose it this year. Our deficit will grow. Premiums will go up. Patients will be denied the care they need. Small business owners will continue to drop coverage altogether.”

That was my idea, weaving the deficit crisis into the health crisis. Notice the snowball effect. This was something I learned from Rahmmy-boy: Always state the disastrous consequences of not doing what I say, and show how the falling dominoes are connected. Now, if only I could figure out how to get Climate Change into the mix.

“If we had taken office in ordinary times, I would have liked nothing more than to start bringing down the deficit. But we took office amid a crisis. And our efforts to prevent a second depression have added another $1 trillion to our national debt.”

It’s similar to the employment crisis; those crackers in flyover country can’t grasp the fact that going from five to ten percent unemployment is a net saving of jobs, when it could have been thirty percent. In the same way, if I didn’t rescue the country from a second depression, then the deficit would have increased by tens of trillions of dollars. Instead, it only increased one trillion. But noooooh, they’re complaining about out of control spending. Which is better, one trillion or twenty?

“But at a time of record deficits, we will not continue tax cuts for oil companies, for investment fund managers, and for those making over $250,000 a year. We just can’t afford it.”

We’ll just tax all that wealth, instead of letting the rich pad their bank accounts. They’ll think twice before extracting surplus-value from the workers!

Damn, I forgot to call my broker. Okay, mental note to do it tomorrow.

“Last week the Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests—including foreign corporations—to spend without limit in our elections.”

As opposed to well-meaning, altruistic, and progressive groups who opened their wallets to my campaign, donating hundreds of millions in the name of social justice.

What is Alito muttering under his breath? They have those black robes on, so they think they’re better than everybody else. Arrogant snobs.

“So let’s put aside the schoolyard taunts about who’s tough. Let’s reject the false choice between protecting our people and upholding our values. Let’s leave behind the fear and division, and do what it takes to defend our nation and forge a more hopeful future—for America and for the world.”

That future will never be hopeful as long as American imperialism threatens the planet. Another four years of Republican rule and we would see hundreds of millions, maybe billions, of casualties in wars and terrorism around the world, caused by their ethnocentrism and xenophobia. Lenin was right—capitalism leads to nothing but wars and strife.

“We’re working with Muslim communities around the world to promote science and education and innovation.”

Because science, after all, was born in the Muslim world, and in Africa, and then stolen by the Europeans.

“My administration has a Civil Rights Division that is once again prosecuting civil rights violations.”

Just look at what’s going on in Connecticut and New York, so-called progressive states, where white applicants for jobs in the fire department still do better on tests than blacks and Hispanics. This has got to stop.

“We finally strengthened our laws to protect against crimes driven by hate.”

So that we can put all the reactionary, Bible and gun-clinging, homophobic, greedy, Republican, misogynist, selfish white men behind bars, where they belong.

Once again, we’re lagging behind Europe. They’re finally nailing Geert Wilders in the Netherlands. We have to find our own Geert Wilders over here.

“Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.”

On condition that we repent for our sins and become a caring, compassionate, country that embraces our brothers and sisters of color in the Third World. Otherwise, as the good Reverend Jeremiah Wright used to say…

 

Published by Gary on February 3rd, 2010 | Filed under Fiction, Marxism, Obamamania