AWOL Civilization » Michelle Knows Best, episode 17: “Which ‘O’ is Bigger?”

Michelle Knows Best, episode 17: “Which ‘O’ is Bigger?”

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[Note: Below is the seventeenth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]

We join Michelle and Barack late one evening in their bedroom, as they enjoy some quiet time after a long day in the limelight. They are sitting up in bed. The First Lady is reading the latest book recommended by Oprah, while the President watches a video summary of the day’s TV coverage of his administration.

MICHELLE: [rests the book on her belly] Barry, I need to go to Paris for a couple of days. My wardrobe is so blah. Can you organize some kind of summit there? [no response from Barack] I’m talking to you, Barry.

She rips the headphones from his head. Laughter from studio audience.

BARACK: [startled] What are you doing?

MICHELLE: I need to go to Paris, to buy some clothes. You don’t want my dresses to look baggy and worn out, do you?

BARACK: No, dear, of course not. Hey, what about Copenhagen? They have some nice shops. We’ll be there in a couple of weeks for the United Nations Climate Change Conference. [points at the TV screen] Look at this, I can’t believe it.

MICHELLE: What is it?

BARACK: Some reactionaries are smearing our science czar, John Holdren. They fabricated this supposed scandal about global warming. Some people will stop at nothing, I tell you.

MICHELLE: I’ve heard those global warming deniers before. I said to them, yeah right, all those scientists are lying, sure.

BARACK: They just don’t care about what kind of planet we leave for the children. And they don’t care about the rain forests, or the polar bears.

MICHELLE: [rolling her eyes] Can’t we have John arrest them?

There’s a knock at the door.

BARACK: Who is it?

FEMALE VOICE: Your numba’ one Chicagah honey-child.

BARACK: Oprah! Come in.

The door opens, and in walks Oprah Winfrey. She beams a broad smile, and extends her arms to each side in a “here I am” gesture. Long applause from studio audience.

MICHELLE: Well, I’ll be…I was just reading that book you suggested we buy, The Top Ten Reasons Why Women of Color are Smarter, by Professor Josephine Hackenscheister.

OPRAH: [smiling] Yeah, good ‘ole Josephine. She just got her tenure at Yale, you know. She used to attend Rev Jeremiah’s church, remember?

BARACK: No, I’m afraid I don’t.

MICHELLE: Me neither.

OPRAH: She was that lady in the back who wore the big hat with all the flowers in it. Whenever the Rev talked about racism, she’d be screaming “hang those honkeys.” [chuckle from audience]

BARACK: Oh, yeah, now I remember.

OPRAH: Listen, you guys, we gotta start planning our White House Christmas spectacular.

MICHELLE: Good idea. Here, Oprah, sit down.

OPRAH: [plops herself into one of the armchairs] I’ve been thinking about the guest list.

MICHELLE: Me, too. Are we gonna have to invite that jewboy Rahm?

BARACK: Michelle!

MICHELLE: I’m just asking.

BARACK: No, we don’t have to. If he complains, we’ll say that we were respecting his religion. After all, they have their own holiday…what’s it called…

OPRAH: Hanukah.

BARACK: That’s it.

OPRAH: I was thinking that Rev Jeremiah could dress up as Santa Claus. [light applause from audience]

MICHELLE: Oh, that would be great! Why does Santa always have to be white?

BARACK: Wait just a minute. I love the Rev dearly, but we’d be asking for trouble.

OPRAH: I understand your concern, Barry. But don’t you worry. I’ve been filming a documentary about Jeremiah, all his good works, and the terrible circumstances he had to overcome. Even Glenn Beck will be teary-eyed after he sees this. I’ll announce it at our event.

BARACK: Hey, should we be calling this a ‘Christmas’ show? That’s a little racist, isn’t it? After all, it’s the holiday season. There are other holidays this time of year: Kwanzaa, Ramadan, that Zionist thing, and probably a lot more.

MICHELLE: I have an idea. We’ll get a clergy type from each group—priest, imam, rabbi, medicine man, whatever—and have them do a huge ceremony at the beginning. Sort of a kickoff of the event. Big-time photo opportunity. Diversity all over the place.

OPRAH: Excellent.

BARACK: Fantastic.

OPRAH: Just don’t forget to be inclusive in other ways, as well. For example, we should invite a lesbian minister.

BARACK: We’ll leave that in your capable hands, Oprah.

OPRAH: [smiling] Thanks, Barry. By the way, I was starting to think about how to continue my career, now that I’m getting out of the talk-show business.

MICHELLE: How about politics? You could be a senator from Illinois in no-time-flat.

OPRAH: Nah, that’s not for me. I want to make a difference, a real difference, in people’s lives. I was thinking more like secretary-general of the U.N.

BARACK: Umm…uhh…That’s really a big…umm…uhh…step, Oprah.

OPRAH: But first, I need to get a Nobel Peace Prize for my work in Africa, and for my indispensable assistance in electing the first African-American president of the United States. Once I have that, I think the UN post will be in the bag.

MICHELLE: [lowers her voice, almost to a whisper] Oprah, dear, there’s a little problem with that.

OPRAH: Really?

MICHELLE: Well, you see, we were kind of thinking that Barry should be taking on greater international responsibility. Just being president of the United States isn’t enough, there’s too many obstacles. But at the UN, with all that prestige, just think of the benefits for world peace.

OPRAH: [scowl on her face] You wouldn’t want me to cancel the White House Christmas show, would you?

MICHELLE: No.

BARACK: No, of course not.

OPRAH: Or tell Americans that maybe the Obama administration is not perfect.

MICHELLE: No, Oprah, please…

OPRAH: Or do a teary-eyed documentary about Sarah Palin?

BARACK: [holding the sides of his head] Stop, stop…please don’t…

OPRAH: So you think the UN would suit me, then?

MICHELLE: Yes, it’s perfect for you.

BARACK: Couldn’t be a better fit.

OPRAH: Thanks, guys. I knew I could count on my friends.

Applause from audience. Theme song and credits.