Michelle Knows Best, episode 16: “Keeping the Muslims Safe”

[Note: Below is the sixteenth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]

We join Michelle, Barack, and Vice-President Joe Biden as they tour an army base somewhere in the Deep South. Following closely on their heels is the White House press corps. The group comes to a stop outside the office of the base commander.

MICHELLE: Do we really have to talk to this colonel? He’ll just stand there with that old-white-guy look, and go on and on about how great the military is.

BARACK: It won’t take long, dear.

MICHELLE: Don’t we have any army czars who can handle these tours? This place gives me the creeps.

JOE: Relax, Michelle, I’ll take care of it.

The base commander, a highly-decorated army colonel with an old-white-guy look, emerges from the building. Vigorous handshaking and shutter-snapping ensue.

JOE: Tell us, Colonel, what measures have been put in place to minimize the possibility of a shooting spree by a deranged soldier?

COLONEL: I hope that very soon, officers will carry firearms at all times. Plus greater video surveillance, and a new round of background checks.

JOE: Very good.

BARACK: I’m concerned about the safety of our Muslim soldiers. What do you say to them, to reassure them?

COLONEL: Do your duty as a good American soldier, and everything will be fine.

JOE: Hey, isn’t there a mosque on this base?

COLONEL: [points to a building] Over there, behind the mess hall.

MICHELLE: Let’s go see it.

JOE: Thank you, Colonel.

They exchange handshakes, the colonel returns to his office, and the White House group walks over to the mosque. Barack pauses next to the front door of the brand new, pre-fab structure.

MICHELLE: Well? Aren’t we going in?

BARACK: Umm…uhh…You better wait for us here.

MICHELLE: What? Why should I wait for you?

BARACK: Well…you know….

MICHELLE: No, actually I don’t know.

BARACK: [all flustered] It’s a mosque, dear, and…well…a woman can’t just go wherever she wants. The imam might get very upset.

MICHELLE: Upset? I’ll show you upset. Get that damn imam out here, on the double.

Just at that moment, the door of the mosque opens. Out comes the imam, an Arab-looking chap with a very long beard, dressed in full clerical garb. He beams a broad smile, and extends his arms to each side in a “here I am” gesture. Long applause from studio audience. The shutters of the press corps snap wildly. Barack bends over to kiss the imam’s hand, but Joe grabs his shoulder, pulling him up.

JOE: [in a whisper] We said not to do that, remember?

BARACK: Oh yeah, sorry.

MICHELLE: So you’re the imam in this joint?

IMAM: [bowing gracefully] Yes, Mrs. First Lady. At your service.

MICHELLE: What does it mean that women can’t…

JOE: [loudly] Well, it certainly is fine to see such diversity and tolerance in our military. How long have you been on the base, sir?

IMAM: Three days.

JOE: Excellent. And where did you receive your theological training?

IMAM: At the Hamas Seminary in Gaza.

JOE: Oh…

BARACK: Your Excellency, do the Muslim soldiers here feel safe?

IMAM: No, not at all. They are afraid that terrible hate crimes will be committed, very soon. As bad as it is, though, they won’t leave the base. We’re in the South, you know. Very racist place. Many threats of violence against us. But we shall prevail, Allah be praised.

MICHELLE: Yes, hate crimes are a big problem in the military. Take gays, for instance.

IMAM: [perplexed look] What is a ‘gay’?

Barack and Joe exchange a nervous glance. Chuckle from audience.

JOE: Umm…well… [leans over toward the imam’s ear] It means homosexual.

IMAM: [horror on his face] Homosexuals?? Here on the base?! Allah protect us! Stone them! Stone them!

BARACK: Wait, wait, Your Excellency…please…

IMAM: Blasphemy! Infidels!

Joe opens door of mosque as Barack half-coaxes, half-pushes the agitated imam inside. Applause from studio audience. Theme song and credits.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another zany adventure of Michelle Knows Best.

Fade out; cut to Navy recruitment commercial, promising excellent health-care benefits for pregnant sailors.

Our prayers are with the true victims of the tragic shooting at Ft. Hood: