Headlines from the Year 2020 (no. 11)
This is the eleventh installment in a continuing series. Here is what life will be like in the year 2020 if our civilization continues to go AWOL:
- Man denied access to heart surgeon for failing to report lack of exercise on last year’s federal health return
- Pennsylvania court faces hate-crime quandary: Muslim immigrant murdered gay-rights activist who opposed construction of mosque
- Meat Czar oversees dismantling of U.S. beef industry; barns and pens converted into rest homes for elderly cows, bulls, and the transbovined
- Rare July snowstorm disrupts track-and-field events at Chicago Olympics; police round up global-warming deniers
- In its 2020 Report on Equality, the British Ministry of Education boasts that “99% of UK schoolchildren now have identical test scores in reading, writing, and arithmetic”
- Community in northern Minnesota refuses to accept Maoist history textbook; Marine battalion sent in to “restore tolerance”
- Czech businessman arrested for possession of Van Gogh painting; charged under EU statute forbidding “expressions of European cultural superiority”
- New York’s Museum of Modern Art bans all works on canvas; “the very idea of a canvas represents an inherent cultural bias that is inimical to progressive modes of thought,” explains curator
- Harvard’s entire graduating class of MBAs accepts job offers in China; “it’s Bush’s fault for making America such a heartless place to live” declares provost
- Senate Committee on Culture shocked to find that writing of fiction is entirely unregulated; calls on president to appoint Literature Czar
- Microsoft finally releases Windows 2020 to fix bugs found in Windows 2019, 2018, 2017, and 2016
- Divorce rate reaches 85%; Dept. of Labor sets up work camps to handle flood of indebted ex-husbands
- Supreme Court declares First Amendment unconstitutional because “it was formulated and enacted without the participation of a single woman, African-American, Hispanic, or Muslim” and therefore “violates the Equal Protection clause of the Fourteenth Amendment”
Would you care to add your own headlines?
[Note: To see earlier installments of “Headlines from the Year 2020," click the All Fiction link on the sidebar (located under Orwellian Snapshots).]
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November 5th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Today, twenty-five painters were arrested for demonstrating in front of the Museum of Modern Art in New York. They are believed to be the last remnants of AWSPC (Artists Who Still Paint on Canvas). They will be sentenced to one year of re-education at MOMA’s “School of Artistic Expression”, to show that artistic sedition will not be tolerated.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Several church-going families in Washington State were rounded up and the parents jailed for illegally Home Schooling their children after being warned they were violating the childrens right’s to receive paganism training with transgender-sex ed taught to them. Parents were charged for using non-state approved creation/bible based curriculum in their homes. The children were made wards of the state.
November 7th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Handguns Regulatory Agency rules that all concealed weapons must constantly emit a loud foghorn-like noise.
November 10th, 2009 at 11:44 am
AP News Release: Agents from the Department of Special Services (“SS” for short) conducted another series of raids on homeowners suspected of violating the Firearms Control And Elimination Act of 2018. As recently affirmed by the Supreme Court, ownership of firearms is clearly limited by the 2nd Amendment to members of a “Militia” such as National Guard, federal police force, and various other federal agencies. The homes, vehicles, and all bank accounts of the accused felons and suspected racists have been seized; they are being held in General Un Listed Automatic Garrisons, created for this purpose (aka “GULAGS”).
November 11th, 2009 at 4:58 am
Identity Crisis, Karen, Ken, SunnyJim: Thank you all for your enlightening (and clever) glimpses of the future.
Karen, SunnyJim: Welcome to AWOL!
November 11th, 2009 at 5:50 am
I think I found you via American Digest. It is always fun to “stumble” across a new site via a click from a link from another site.
Love the “headlines.”
At least we can all take a sigh of relief now that we know the real reason for the Fort Hood tragedy, as narrative is getting polished with each passing day….not enough gun control!