Orwellian Snapshots, Episode 8: “Starting a Business in the Era of Fairness”

[Note: Below is the eighth installment of the Orwellian Snapshots (future time travel) series. For background information, including how I came to have access to the time machine in the White House basement, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Orwellian Snapshots" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]

With the economy being such a prominent topic these days, it was no wonder that I found myself pondering the future of business in America. We as a nation have taken it for granted, it seems, that it is relatively simple to start a business. Certainly, running a business is a complex affair; no one will dispute that. But in our tradition, the act of its establishment, along with the subsequent interaction with government authorities, is thought to be anything but onerous.

Having this in mind, I once again abused my privilege of access to the time machine in the basement of the White House. Truth be told, I’m starting to feel guilty. Not because of the activity itself, mind you; it’s no skin off anyone’s back. Rather, it would seem that every time I visit the future, the scenes I witness are at variance with the rosy projections of the Obama administration and its allies. And here I am, using their own hardware to discredit them.

Be that as it may, I climbed aboard the time machine and set the dials for the halls of the U.S. Department of Commerce, in December 2012. In other words, at the end of the current presidential term.

I won’t bore you with my search for clues to the contemporary economic situation, a quest that lasted several hours. I slept one night in the craft. The next morning, at the point of despair, I hit pay dirt: a seminar led by none other than the Secretary of Commerce, Gary Locke. The subject, as announced on a large sign just outside the auditorium, was “Starting a Business in the Era of Fairness.”

Mr. Locke was quite affable as he warmed up the crowd. Take this quip, for instance: “The conservatives say that President Obama is trying to kill off small-business owners. Well, judging from the breakfast we just got, they may be right.”

A hearty chuckle circulated through the room.

“Seriously, though, let’s get started. The first area I’d like to cover is taxation. It may seem complicated at first, but the trick is to grasp the underlying principle. Like everything else this administration does, our primary goal is fairness. Keep this fresh in your mind, and the rest will fall into place effortlessly.

“At first sight, you might think that the standard income tax rate of 79 percent is too high. But, ladies and gentlemen, this is just the starting point. Think fairness! To help attain this goal, we offer fairness deductions. Let’s take a look at some examples.

“First, we offer the GLBT Deduction. For every percentage of your workforce that is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, you knock one percent off the tax rate—up to a maximum of five percent. So if, say, three percent of your employees are certified GLBT, then you’re already down to a 76 percent tax rate.

“Second, we have the Oppressed Customer Deduction. Same principle: For every percent of your customers who belong to a recognized oppressed group—the list is over on that table by the door—then you can knock another one percent off the tax rate. Just use form 62-5A3721, and get the customer’s signature and oppression code. You might want to take a photo, just in case you get audited. It’s that simple….Uh, yes, a question?”

A very short woman with one leg stood up, not without some effort. “Mr. Secretary, whatever happened to the proposal for adding dyslexic deaf-mutes to the list?”

“That’s in the new legislation working its way through Congress. It should be approved within a couple of weeks; I don’t see any problem.”

“Thank you,” said the woman. She sat down.

“Okay,” continued Locke, “deduction number three: the Happy Tree Deduction. If you can show that, as a result of your business activity, the life of at least 50 trees was improved for a year or more, then you just go ahead and knock two percent off the tax rate. But remember, it must be certified by a licensed plant psychologist.

“So those are some examples. See your accountant for more details. Let’s move on to another area where business has become progressive: the realm of Diversity. I’m sure you all know that according to the Civil Rights Act of 2011, half of all executives and members of a corporation’s board of directors must be women, and 70 percent must belong to a recognized oppressed group.”

“How do we report that?” asked one man.

“Simple. For each person, put together a file with their resume, photographs front and back, the questionnaire on Form 378847590-A, and a sworn, notarized declaration that is countersigned by at least three duly-recognized community organizers.”

“There’s no deduction for Diversity?” said the man in the audience.

Locke laughed. “Of course there is; we wouldn’t leave that out. If 90 percent of your executives and 80 percent of your board of directors belong to a recognized oppressed group, you can knock five percent off the tax rate.”

A young woman in the back stood up. “Can you explain the Conyers Deduction?”

“Certainly, and thanks for reminding me. The Conyers Deduction says that setting up a business for the express purpose of compensating victims of American war crimes entitles you to a 50 percent tax deduction.”

“But does every piece of the business have to be for that?” she inquired. “What if only a half or two-thirds of your business activity relates to the compensation of victims?”

“Well,” said Locke, suddenly looking stern. “If that’s the case, then the government might wonder whether you really believe in Hope and Change.”

Here’s a business that is likely to flourish: