Michelle Knows Best, episode 9: “Planet of the Czars”

[Note: Below is the ninth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]

This week we join Michelle in a conference room at the White House. She has summoned a meeting of the “czars.” Michelle is seated at the head of the table.

MICHELLE: Thank you all for joining me. Barry probably won’t make it; he’s busy with those guys from ChemLawn, trying to fix my garden. Anyway, the purpose of today’s meeting is to introduce several new czars who were appointed over the past few days, and to give them a chance to discuss what they’re planning to do.

The door opens, and a security guard pops his head in.

MICHELLE: What is it?

GUARD: Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Obama, but Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner wants to know if he can come in. He says that you folks will be talking about the economy.

MICHELLE: Yes, we will, but you tell Timmy to go on home. Barry’s doing the Cabinet thing tomorrow. Right now the czars are in session.

MAN AT OTHER END OF TABLE: May I say something?

MICHELLE: Yes, of course. Folks, this is Van Jones, one of our veteran czars. He’s in charge of Green Jobs.

VAN: Thanks, Michelle. [Addressing himself to the security guard.] Tell Timmy to think of this as the High Limit area when you’re in Vegas. The Cabinet is like the penny slot machines. [Chuckle from audience; guard withdraws.]

MICHELLE: All right, let’s get down to business. I’d like everyone to meet the new Full-Employment Czar, Maxine Waters. [applause from audience] Maxine, some people are saying there’s too much unemployment in America. What are you going to tell them?

MAXINE: I’ll tell them the truth: that George Bush caused even more damage than we originally thought. But between you and me, honey, our problem right now is Congress. You can’t blame Barry when his hands are tied. Look what’s happening with the health plan. Good Lord, every time he wants to buy a corned beef sandwich, Congress has to approve it. Enough of that, I say. We’re czars, aren’t we? So let’s us our czarish powers. People are unemployed? Well then, let’s employ them! Like they say in the commercial, just do it. [She pauses, and then with a big smile:] I’m going to hire a million people tomorrow. That’s right, a million people. They’ll get all kinds of jobs, from environmental inspectors to crossing guards to urban artists.

MICHELLE: Sounds great, but where are you getting the money?

MAXINE: Did you ever hear of a place called Fort Knox?

MICHELLE: [smiles and winks] Good work, Maxine. Okay, let’s move on. Folks, please welcome the new Opinion Czar, Keith Olbermann. [big round of applause] Keith, the polls show that Barry’s popularity is dropping. What do you propose to do about it?

KEITH: As you know, Michelle, the American people are being brainwashed by right-wing extremists. The main problem is the Internet. As Opinion Czar, I’m going to require all the phone and cable companies to install special filters on their switches. These filters will block web content that is racist, sexist, or homophobic, or that contains outright falsehoods. That should take care of it, tout de suite.

VAN: But those rednecks will go nuts! We’ll have a wave of domestic terrorism on our hands.

MICHELLE: [smiling] Don’t fret, Van. We hired a new Public Safety Czar, Manuel Zelaya.

MANUEL: Gracias, Michelle. It is an honor to be here. I have seen many things in my lifetime. My native land, the Honduras, has been ruined by racist, capitalist pigs who will stop at nothing. You need a wise Latino like myself to make sure it never happens in America. If the right-wingers try anything, I will move thousands of anti-racist public safety officers to the trouble spot. Very soon, there will be no more trouble.

MAXINE: Where are you going to get all these officers?

MICHELLE: What a great segue to our new Youth Czar, Roseanne Barr.

ROSEANNE: Yo, Michelle, I see you’re down with the program. Like, you know, young people are the backbone of the Progressive movement. Instead of going to work for some evil corporation, or joining the army to go murder people of color, they’ll make a real contribution to Change in this society. It’s gonna be, like, you know, a whole new movement that I’m organizing. So to answer your question, Maxine, most of my kids are gonna be Manuel’s new public safety officers!

KEITH: I’ve worked on this too, Michelle. I have commitments from Google and Yahoo to feature, on their home pages, these new opportunities for young people—for at least six weeks. Michael Moore’s making a movie about it. Newsweek will have a cover story. CNN will have nonstop features for days. Oh, and Dan Brown’s writing a new book, The Audacity Code.

ROSEANNE: We’re gonna rock.

MICHELLE: Don’t forget Oprah.

KEITH: She’s on board, I spoke to her yesterday.

MANUEL: Hey, you guys, be careful of those racists. Keep an eye on them every minute. They’re very, very tricky.

MICHELLE: Manuel, you just did the introduction for our new Anti-Racism Czar, Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. of Harvard University. [thunderous applause]

HENRY: Thank you, Michelle. Nobody knows better than me to what extent racism is alive and well in this country. What better example than all those white cops. Not to mention their mothers. Another reason why we need these public safety officers that Manuel and Roseanne are recruiting. Finally, we’ll get people who are sensitive to the feelings of minorities.

MICHELLE: Absolutely. A whole new world is just around the corner. Well, that concludes our meeting for today….Whoops, I almost forgot. Is the Art Czar here? [she looks around the table] I guess not. I just hope those five thousand statues of Barry are ready.

Applause from audience. Theme song and credits.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another zany adventure of Michelle Knows Best.

Fade out; cut to commercial for vacation rentals in Yemen.

Come to think of it, the czars really are reminiscent of a high-limit crap shoot in Vegas, only the stakes are the future of our society.