Michelle Knows Best, episode 8: “Mission to the North Pole”
[Note: Below is the eighth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
This week we join Michelle, Barack, and White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs near the Arctic coast of Alaska. They are standing on an ice float.
MICHELLE: I don’t feel safe here, Barry.
BARACK: Don’t fret, my dear. You see that polar bear over there?
MICHELLE: The one that’s sleeping?
BARACK: Yes, that one. It’s fake; there’s a Secret Service agent inside. And you see that giant igloo way over there?
MICHELLE: Yeah…
BARACK: It’s a security command center with thirty armed men ready to pop out at a moment’s notice.
ROBERT: Not to mention the scuba divers in the water underneath us.
MICHELLE: I hope Al Gore gets here soon, I’m freezing.
In the water, about thirty yards away, there is a bubbling whirlpool. It get stronger and stronger. A hunk of gray metal emerges, with loud, gushing waves cascading to all sides. The ice float supporting the First Couple rocks to and fro.
MICHELLE: What the hell is that?
BARACK: That’s Al Gore’s new environmentally-friendly submarine.
ROBERT: It’s powered by human pedaling. Took them six months to get here from Seattle.
MICHELLE: But we saw Al a month ago in Washington.
ROBERT: He joined up with them yesterday.
The submarine is now floating peacefully on the surface of the water. A hatch opens, and Al Gore steps out. He’s wearing a bright green parka, green snow pants, and bulky green boots.
AL: Ahoy, maties! Isn’t this beautiful?
BARACK: Sure is, Al.
AL: How did you guys get here?
BARACK: We took our 747 to an air force base, then a helicopter to here.
AL: I thought you said you would travel by dog sled.
BARACK: Michelle had a little cold, you see…
MICHELLE: Can we get started already?
AL: Sure.
Michelle, Barack, and Robert climb up a ladder on the side of the hull, mount the deck, and shake hands with Al.
AL: Welcome aboard the S.S. Anti-Bush. [chuckle from audience]
MICHELLE: The what?
AL: The Anti-Bush. Our coalition couldn’t agree on a real name for the sub, so that’s what we came up with.
BARACK: [gently jabbing Al in the ribs with his elbow] You wily political animal, you.
AL: Okay, let’s go below, and start our journey to the North Pole.
MICHELLE: Wait a minute. The North Pole? I thought we were just going to see some local sights, some polar bears and melting ice. An hour or two, tops. I have to be in New York this evening for the gala opening of the National Museum of Graffiti Art.
AL: Are you saying that a museum is more important than saving the planet?
BARACK: Perhaps we can agree that they’re both important.
AL: No, Barry, this mission is top priority. You won’t be able to do anything else if you can’t breathe the air or drink the water. Just the four of us standing here is adding carbon monoxide to the atmosphere.
ROBERT: I think you mean carbon dioxide, Al.
AL: Dioxide, monoxide, what’s the difference? Scientific research shows that if pollution continues at current levels, all the ice in the world will melt by 2013. Mt. Everest will be underwater.
MICHELLE: Oh yeah? Well what about all those disadvantaged minority kids who live their lives in despair and hopelessness? Whose talent is scorned by the white Establishment because they don’t express themselves like white people?
AL: Yeah, but…
MICHELLE: Don’t yeah-but me, Mr. Save-the-World. How would you like to grow up in Harlem, a stone’s throw from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, yet be shunned and excluded because of the color of your skin? What’s worse, you get arrested for practicing your own special kind of art, the urban street canvas known as graffiti.
AL: I didn’t mean…
MICHELLE: So you think it’s more important that I see the bottom of an iceberg?
BARACK: [laughing nervously] I think we’re on the same side, dear. Al supports our efforts in art and culture. We need activism in several areas simultaneously. And don’t forget Cap and Trade, which Al worked so hard to develop. How do you think we’re going to pay for all those great social programs?
MICHELLE: All right, all right. Let’s get out of here.
AL: Wait…please. Just give me five minutes, there’s something you have to see.
MICHELLE: Okay, but make it quick.
Al taps the hatch. It opens, and out come two young women holding a life-sized doll of George W. Bush. Long bout of laughter from audience.
ROBERT: What is that?
AL: We call it the Effigy of Planetary Disaster. Throwing it overboard is a ritual we perform, a sacrifice to Gaia. The doll is filled with live fish, and the skin is edible and biodegradable. We feed it to the polar bears.
MICHELLE: You know, Al, you’re not such a bad guy after all.
Applause from audience. Theme song and credits.
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another zany adventure of Michelle Knows Best.
Fade out; cut to commercial for solar-powered roller skates.
Soon to replace the bald eagle as a symbol of the United States:
Bookmark this article!
July 11th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
“He joined up with them yesterday.”
That was a genuine LOL. Nice.
July 21st, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Mr. Tweedy: Thanks. Glad you caught that.