Michelle Knows Best, episode 7: “Whiter Than the White Sox”
[Note #1: I invite you to read columnist David Huntwork’s review of my novel The Kicker of St. John’s Wood, in WesternFront America.]
[Note #2: If you’re attending the FreedomFest conference next week (July 9-11) in Las Vegas, please stop by and say hello. I will have a booth on the exhibition floor.]
[Note #3: Below is the seventh episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
We join Michelle, Barack, and the girls (Sasha and Malia) as they spend a quiet evening relaxing in the living room. The girls are sitting on the floor, playing a board game. Michelle and Barack are seated on the couch, watching television. Barack has his arm around the First Lady. On the TV screen is a baseball game.
BARACK: [pointing at the TV] Hey, that’s our Chicago team, the White Sox.
MICHELLE: I hate that name, White Sox.
BARACK: They’re not doing so well this season.
MICHELLE: At least the name could have been neutral, like big socks or comfortable socks.
BARACK: The bullpen could use a little help.
MICHELLE: Barry, there really aren’t so many African-Americans in baseball, are there?
BARACK: Oh, I don’t know. A fair number. Not like football or basketball, of course.
MICHELLE: Let’s watch something else.
BARACK: [picks up the remote and changes the channel] Hey look, it’s hockey. They’re showing highlights of the Stanley Cup. Too bad for Detroit, huh? They lost at home.
The First Couple watches for a few moments.
MICHELLE: [suddenly leans forward] Wait a minute. No, it can’t be…Yes, it is…All the players are white! And the coaches…and the commentators…everyone!
BARACK: That’s true.
MICHELLE: And in Detroit, of all places, a city that’s predominantly black.
BARACK: You’re right about that, too.
MICHELLE: There must be something we can do. Can we order an investigation?
BARACK: What would we investigate?
MICHELLE: What else—racial discrimination.
BARACK: I don’t know, dear. I never heard of a black hockey player before. So I don’t know who we could say is being discriminated against.
MICHELLE: What’s wrong with you, Barry? Did you just turn into Glenn Beck? [chuckle from audience] That’s exactly the problem, that there aren’t any black players. It’s not just the teams that are guilty, it’s the whole society. Because of Republican brainwashing, African-American kids are made to believe that they can’t be hockey players. ‘No, no, my child—that’s a white sport’. See what I mean?
BARACK: [rubbing chin] Yeah…you got something there…a sort of structural racism. [gives Michelle a kiss] You’re so smart, dear.
MICHELLE: I told you that marrying me was the best move you ever made.
BARACK: [picks up the phone] Call Eric Holder and tell him to get down here, on the double. [hangs up]
MICHELLE: Girls, get to bed now.
MALIA: Oh, mom…
SASHA: We’re having so much fun.
MICHELLE: You’ll have fun tomorrow, too. Now run along, I’ll tuck you in as soon as I’m finished here.
Girls exit.
Fade out/fade in.
Michelle and Barack are sitting on the couch. There’s a knock at the door.
BARACK: Who is it?
MALE VOICE: It’s the new goalie for the Red Wings.
BARACK: Eric! Come in.
Door opens, and in steps Attorney-General Eric Holder. He beams a broad smile and extends his arms to each side in a “here I am” gesture. Long applause from studio audience.
MICHELLE: How’s it going, Eric? Here, have a seat.
ERIC: Thanks. Things are going pretty well. I was taking some heat, though, when I stopped that investigation of the Black Panthers in Philadelphia.
MICHELLE: Don’t let it get you down. Americans are racist, they’ll always have it in for the brothers.
BARACK: Speaking of investigations, Michelle has an idea for one: Hockey teams. They’re all white, every last one of them.
ERIC: [smiling while shaking his head] You’ll never believe this.
MICHELLE: What?
ERIC: Just this past week, I put together a task force of attorneys to look into that. I had been thinking about it myself for a long time.
BARACK: Great! On what basis are you proceeding?
ERIC: What we have here is a violation of equal protection of the law. Minority kids are not being recruited for school hockey teams. There’s no protection at all. Which means that the government must step in to ensure the constitutional rights of these disadvantaged members of society. Otherwise, the injustice will be perpetuated for yet another generation.
MICHELLE: Excellent. And how will you implement it?
ERIC: We’re looking at several phases. One is to mandate construction of skating rinks in all inner-city schools. Another is to have the professional teams set aside ten percent of the gate proceeds for summer hockey camps for minority youth, including those for whom English is a second language…Oh, and of course there will be diversity targets for all NHL teams by 2011.
BARACK: Very good. I see you’re on top of things.
MICHELLE: Wait—there’s just one problem.
ERIC: What’s that?
MICHELLE: There’s NO WOMEN!!
BARACK: [groaning] Oh, no…
Applause from audience. Theme song and credits.
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another zany adventure of Michelle Knows Best.
Fade out; cut to commercial for vacations in Chicago.
Racism begins at a young age in America:
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June 30th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
He he he.
It’s so funny when Michelle bosses Barry.
July 21st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Mr. Tweedy: Yes, and she’s very good at it.