Michelle Knows Best, episode 3: “A Supreme Court Nominee”
[Note: Below is the third episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
We join Michelle, Barack, and Rahm in the Oval Office. They are discussing the nomination of a new justice for the Supreme Court, to replace the retiring Justice Souter.
RAHM: I can’t overemphasize the importance of this appointment. The American people have been waiting for a justice who really understands the way law functions in a progressive society.
MICHELLE: Yeah, someone who has empathy, someone who will make America into a place I can be proud of.
BARACK: And he should reflect the diversity of the new America.
MICHELLE: He?
BARACK: Umm…uhh…Sorry, dear, that’s just an old habit of mine. I meant ‘he’ in the generic sense. Actually, a woman of color would be perfect.
RAHM: It just so happens that I’ve had Joe working on that for the last three days.
MICHELLE: [with pout] An old white guy is going to find us a woman of color?
RAHM: Well, let’s at least see what he came up with.
There’s a knock at the door.
BARACK: Who is it?
MALE VOICE: The old white guy. [chuckle from audience]
BARACK: [smiling] Come on in, Joe.
Door opens, and in steps the Vice-President, Joe Biden. He beams a broad smile and extends his arms to each side in a “here I am” gesture. Long applause from studio audience. He walks in, shakes hands with everyone, and sits down in a large leather armchair.
RAHM: I was just saying that you’ve been conducting a search for a progressive nominee to the Supreme Court.
JOE: That’s right, Rahm. We have before us a key issue, and the American people expect this administration to deliver the goods, to step up to the plate, to rise to the occasion [Michelle rolls her eyes] to send a message, a message of hope and change, to see once again that there’s a new landlord…er, I mean tenant, in the White House, and he’s up to the task, he’s rolling up his sleeves, he’s kicking the tires and checking the oil…
BARACK: [loudly clearing his throat] So what do you have for us, Joe?
JOE: Something fabulous, Barry, absolutely fabulous. You know, it reminds me of the days leading up to the Civil War, when the American people waited anxiously for Abe Lincoln to announce his plans. Of course they didn’t have the Internet or television in those days, but they kept their ears glued to the radio.
Rahm covers his face with his hands. Laughter from audience.
MICHELLE: Get to the point, already.
JOE: [looks ruffled] Well, all right. I have a nominee, and it’s someone you all know very well. Her name is Wanda Sykes.
BARACK: Oh, Wanda’s great, she’s a funny gal.
MICHELLE: Good work, Joe! African-American, self-declared lesbian, media star—she’s got it all. Wow, I didn’t think you could come up with something that audacious.
JOE: [blushing] Aw, it’s nothing.
RAHM: [standing up] Just a minute, now. Wanda is a great performer, but justice of the Supreme Court? What legal training does she have?
MICHELLE: Who needs legal training? That’s the problem in this country. The rules are so rigid. We have to start thinking out of the box.
BARACK: I heard that Wanda has been studying law in her spare time.
JOE: Hey, why don’t we talk to her? You can grill her, Rahm. She’s waiting right now in the main lobby.
MICHELLE: Have her come down here.
Joe picks up the phone. Fade in/fade out.
There’s a knock at the door.
BARACK: Who is it?
FEMALE VOICE: The lady who roasted you.
BARACK: Wanda! Come in.
Audience applauds as Wanda swaggers over to the group. She looks the place over.
WANDA: Man, I never thought I’d be checkin’ out the Oval Office. Lookee here, all those white dudes’ pictures on the wall. Hey Barry, did you scrub this place real good after Georgie left? I don’t wanna get no swine flu. [nervous titter from audience]
JOE: Have a seat, Wanda.
Wanda sits cross-legged on the presidential desk.
BARACK: That was a great roast you did at the White House correspondents’ dinner. I never laughed so hard in my life. You know, I always thought that a roast means you make fun of the host. I didn’t realize you’re supposed to make fun of people who aren’t there.
MICHELLE: We changed the rules. We don’t want to have a conservative-style roast, do we?
BARACK: Of course not.
RAHM: Wanda, we want to ask you a few questions about the law, to see how you might do in the confirmation hearings.
WANDA: You go right ahead, Rahmmie old boy. Ask me anything you want.
RAHM: If a person is on trial for a criminal act, should the court be concerned with what he or she was thinking while committing the crime? For example, what the criminal thought about the victim’s ethnicity?
WANDA: You bet. If ah’s be walkin’ down the street in Idaho, and some redneck dude is lookin’ for some black lesbian to beat up, and he smacks me, that be a hate crime.
RAHM: [face lights up] That’s correct. And do you believe it should alter the decision of the court in any way? For example, should it change the sentencing?
WANDA: It should change the whole shootin’ match. If I be one of the supremes, and some redneck crook gets hauled in front of my bench, he’d be gettin’ double, no, triple everything. If smackin’ someone on the street gets you a year in the slammer, then I give that redneck three years.
RAHM: Well…criminals generally don’t have their trials or sentencing at the Supreme Court.
WANDA: They will when I’m there.
RAHM: What do you think about the fourteenth amendment?
WANDA: [starts counting slowly on her fingers] Damn, I forgot which one that is.
RAHM: No problem, I’ll just ask you a specific question. Are rednecks entitled to equal protection of the law?
WANDA: Protectin’ rednecks? What is this, the Rush Limbaugh administration? [chuckle from audience] Let’s talk about the people gettin’ protected. Rednecks should be in jail, or hangin’ from a rope.
RAHM: But how do you reconcile that with the Constitution?
WANDA: By transcendin’ the Constitution. We gotta make it fit our life, not the other way around. And if it don’t fit no more, we evolve to a higher form of legal system.
MICHELLE: Wanda honey, where on earth did you learn that?
WANDA: I been listenin’ to tapes of Barry’s lectures from when he was teachin’ at the law school up there in Chicagah.
JOE: See Rahm? I told you, she’s great.
RAHM: I’m impressed, I have to admit.
MICHELLE: [gives Barack a kiss on the cheek] You’re so smart, darling.
BARACK: [leans back, smiling from ear to ear] I love being president.
Applause from audience. Theme song and credits.
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another zany adventure of Michelle Knows Best.
Fade out; cut to commercial for home windmills.
A symbol of outdated concepts in Anglo-Saxon jurisprudence, such as equal protection of the law:
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May 22nd, 2009 at 9:20 am
That would actually be really funny if it did not seem so plausible.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:44 am
WarTip: Indeed. Especially now, given the actual Supreme Court nominee.
By the way, welcome to AWOL!