Orwellian Snapshots, episode 5: “The Mercydown”

[Note: Below is the fifth episode of the Orwellian Snapshots (future time travel) series. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Orwellian Snapshots" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]

As you may know, the hero of my latest novel (The Kicker of St. John’s Wood) is a professional football player in the year 2020. One of the elements in his politically-correct nightmare is a peculiar form of affirmative action: the introduction of the first woman player in the NFL.

The thought occurred to me: Why not use the time machine to check the accuracy of my forecast? How close was I to the eventual reality? To answer these questions, I set the dials for a Sunday afternoon in the autumn of 2020, in a locale that was likely to have good weather: Los Angeles. (Yes, I was gambling that a pro team had returned to the city.) The time machine landed next to the Coliseum, at the edge of the parking lot.

Sure enough, it was a gorgeous day and a football game was about to begin. I followed the burgeoning crowd into the facility, and headed for the fifty yard line, about ten rows up from the field. I treated myself to seats I could never afford in real life.

First, some preliminary observations. The appearance of the stadium and the fans was more or less unchanged from today. The nonstop multimedia extravaganza emanating from the scoreboards was sharper, making use of more advanced technology. The announcer spoke in the usual manner. The gridiron was its old familiar self. Most everything appeared to be normal.

When the players were introduced, I realized that the notion (in my novel) of a sole female player in 2020 had been quite on the timid side. About half the players were women or transgendered. The cheerleaders, on the other hand, were all male.

Also noteworthy was the visiting team, the Lisbon Bruisers. The NFL had become international and had changed its name to make it more palatable to diverse cultures. It was now called the “PCFL.”

The national anthem was not played. Instead, the chief imam of California read a prayer, and then called for interreligious and interracial harmony.

Play began. Everything seemed familiar. There was the same mix of running and passing plays, and similar formations. The quarterback lined up in the shotgun for most plays. When the male quarterback took the snap directly from the female center, I felt a twinge of embarrassment, but no one around me reacted in any way.

It was near the end of the first quarter that play itself took a different course. The Los Angeles Conquistadors were ahead 14-2. They had the ball on the Lisbon thirty yard line. The quarterback handed off to a rather petite halfback. She took one step toward the left guard, and then turned around and began running toward her own goal line. The Los Angeles offense chased her, but were blocked by members of the Lisbon defense. When she crossed the Los Angeles goal line, the referee gave a signal that resembled the one used in our day for a personal foul. Five points were added to the score for Lisbon.

It took me some time to figure out what was going on. This type of play, in which a player scores points for the opposing team, was repeated several times over the course of the game. From observing the play, listening to the fans, and reading the official program, I managed to piece together an explanation of this singular phenomenon.

The play is called a mercydown. It is triggered by “overscoring,” and is mandated whenever the winning team (a) is more than one touchdown ahead, and (b) has a lower composite index of victimhood than its opponent. The composite index measures the players’ combined victimhood based on race, income, national origin, sexual orientation, etc. The idea is to level the playing field for all concerned. This preserves an atmosphere of fairness, and prevents the emotional trauma that is liable to occur from the humiliation of a crushing defeat.

On one mercydown attempt late in the game, the Los Angeles offense overtook and tackled their own running back before she could reach the goal line. The crowd booed. I heard one fan say that he was glad the guilty Los Angeles players would be fined by the PCFL for preventing justice from being served.

During halftime, we heard a speech by Hugo Chavez’s brother, who urged us to supplement U.S. government reparations to Venezuela with our own private donations.

One minute into the fourth quarter, a penalty was called on a male Los Angeles player for “groping” a female Lisbon player in the pile at the end of the play. In addition to backing up his team 15 yards, he was forced to prostrate himself on the field, at which point all the female players from the Lisbon team were permitted one kick each, delivered anywhere on his body they pleased.

The game ended in a 27-27 tie.

To be honest, I’m not sure whether I will still be a football fan in the year 2020, when we have this to look forward to:

Art by Free Mode

[I would like to thank AWOL commenter Officer Krupke, who suggested to me the concept of the mercydown.]