Michelle Knows Best, episode 1: “A Presidential Cheeseburger”
This is the screenplay for the first episode of a new TV series, Michelle Knows Best. Join us for the zany adventures of Michelle, Barack, and the girls as the Obamas come rolling into town.
The premise is admittedly far-fetched, but just play along for a moment: Imagine what outrageous farce and knee-slapping comedy would result if one day a neo-Marxist community organizer from the Chicago political machine, of obscure national and religious background, along with his anti-American lawyer wife, woke up one morning and found himself in the White House!!
So sit back and settle in for this post-modern blend of The Jeffersons, The Beverly Hillbillies, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Guaranteed to please.
Today we join Michelle and Barack in the Oval Office, seated on either side of the presidential desk. Barack, with an air of gravity, is perusing a hefty document.
MICHELLE: What are you reading, dear?
BARACK: Oh, just some piece of right-wing Republican propaganda that I found in the bottom drawer. It’s called “Guidelines for Preserving the U.S. Electrical Grid in Case of Terrorist WMD Strike.” And it’s marked Top Secret.
MICHELLE: Top Secret, my eye. The guy sitting in that chair before you must have been planning a staged attack, which would be blamed on the Muslims. Then he could declare martial law, ration electricity…
BARACK: …raise prices, and get rich from the profits going to Halliburton.
MICHELLE: Precisely.
There’s a knock at the door.
BARACK: Who is it?
MALE VOICE: It’s me.
Door opens, and in steps the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. He beams a broad smile and extends his arms to each side in a “here I am” gesture. Long applause from studio audience.
BARACK: Hey, Rev! How’s it going, man? [He and Jeremiah engage in complex handshaking that lasts approx. 30 seconds.] So how are you?
JEREMIAH: Well, I don’t fancy comin’ into the White House through the colored-folk door.
BARACK: Uhh…actually, I think you were using the delivery entrance. It’s used by people of all races. Next time try the front door. [chuckle from audience]
JEREMIAH: [Looks at Michelle and smiles.] Michelle, you as charmin’ as the first time Barry brought you to the church.
MICHELLE: I bet you say that to all the girls.
BARACK: C’mon, let’s sit down and make ourselves comfortable.
JEREMIAH: Nah, I wanna see the place. [Starts gazing at paintings on the wall. Points to a portrait of Alexander Hamilton.] Who be this dude?
BARACK: I don’t know. I was wondering about it myself. Michelle, do you know?
MICHELLE: Nope. Who cares, anyway. It’s just some dead white male with an attitude.
JEREMIAH: [Walks over to the presidential desk, lifting items and inspecting them as he speaks.] Hey, Barry. If you be here at like, two o’clock in the morning, and all of a sudden you feels like a cheeseburger, can you just call for one?
BARACK: Of course. There’s 24-hour room service, but if I want to be particularly presidential, I call Rahm.
JEREMIAH: You don’t mean that uptown Jewboy still be workin’ for ya?
BARACK: Now, now, Reverend. Rahm has a very good attitude toward people of color, and women, and other minorities, and even the transgendered.
JEREMIAH: Trans what? [chuckle from studio audience]
BARACK: Never mind.
JEREMIAH: [sits in presidential chair] How about you call him down here right now. C’mon. I just gotta see this.
BARACK: [picks up phone] Hi, Rahm. Could you come down here please? Thanks. [hangs up]
JEREMIAH: [starts fiddling with a miniature Chinese ivory carving of the White House] This gonna be fun.
Door opens; Rahm rushes in at full speed.
RAHM: Yes sir, what is it? [Looks at Jeremiah; face falls. Nervous titter from audience] Oh, Reverend Wright, how are you.
JEREMIAH: Fair to middly. How’s about yourself?
RAHM: [still with cold expression] Fine, thank you.
JEREMIAH: [tosses the ivory carving in the air and catches it] Tell me, Mister Rahm, sir. What is it about you people that makes you hate us—you know, us black folk?
BARACK: Rev, please…
RAHM: Hate black people? What are you talking about? Listen, you two-bit, Bible-thumping moron, you almost cost us the election. If I didn’t go to CNN and the New York Times and beg them on my hands and knees to keep it quiet, who knows what might have happened.
JEREMIAH: Hey, you forgettin’ who raised Barry up, taught him to believe. Where you think he got Hope ‘n Change from?
BARACK: Now gentlemen, you both helped enormously…
RAHM: [strutting back and forth; arms gesturing in the air] This is ridiculous. If it weren’t for me, you’d both be in some dingy, stinking office on the South Side of Chicago.
MICHELLE: [yelling] Enough already! Stop this carrying on. Rahm, go get us some cheeseburgers.
RAHM: [removes small pad from his jacket and starts writing] Yes, ma’am.
JEREMIAH: And fries.
BARACK: With plenty of ketchup…Oh, and some onion rings. You like onion rings, don’t you, Rev?
JEREMIAH: You bet.
RAHM: I should mention that the French ambassador brought us some very expensive foie gras.
JEREMIAH: Fwa what? [chuckle from audience]
MICHELLE: That stuff they eat in Europe. When we were in London, Queenie served us some. Remember, Barry?
BARACK: Yeah, it was kind of slimy. Still, it was better than that caviar, which gave me stomach cramps that were so bad I doubled over right in front of the king of Saudi Arabia.
RAHM: [glancing at his notes] Okay, so three cheeseburgers, fries, onion rings, and plenty of ketchup. Anything to drink? The Portuguese ambassador gave us an excellent port.
JEREMIAH: He gave you a whole city?
Rahm looks up with a huge pout, and freezes his pose. Laughter from the audience, then applause. Theme song and credits.
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another zany adventure on Michelle Knows Best.
Fade out; cut to commercial for tours to Cuba.
Spinning in his grave:
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April 15th, 2009 at 10:44 am
good stuff. i can’t help but wonder if Obama might be a new 21st century trend in electing unusual characters. first we had the Connecticut born Texan whose only qualification for office was that he seemed like the kind of guy you could have a beer with, now we have a neo-Marxist community organizer from the Chicago political machine. what’s next, a white male who is conservative, intelligent, and believes in the constitution and the ideas of the founding fathers? now that would be unexpected.
also, when are you going to start commenting about stuff in the news again, Gary? too busy keeping the DHS off your back (http://worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=94803)?
April 17th, 2009 at 5:18 am
Jeffrey: “Conservative, intelligent, and believes in the Constitution and the ideas of the founding fathers” — We shall have such a leader when the country becomes thoroughly disgusted with the neo-Marxist apparatus that has seized hold of our society.
“Commenting about stuff in the news again” — Things have become so crazy recently (the DHS incident is only one example) that I feel, in my gut, that only outrageous, unrelenting satire can capture the moment. I am speaking for myself personally of course; each person has his own reaction. Thus my latest book, and the spate of satirical vignettes here on AWOL.
That being said, I probably will feel compelled at some point to write a “straight” commentary piece.
April 18th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
No. Nothing straight. I need to laugh. I don’t think I could take a serious commentary right now.
April 25th, 2009 at 12:01 am
today is the first and last time i will visit your site. your perverse and twisted visions of america’s past, present and future, are outlandish acts of cognitive dissonance clothed in intellectual arrogance. for the last 35 years, your projections of dystopian futures have been wrong. almost all of your current writings are sad and pathetic, infused with the pathologies of fear and frustration and too disturbed for rational discourse. the immaturity, the inability to be civil, the substitution of ad hominem attack for policy disagreement and your disrespect for those who disagree are indicia of a hostile, political fringe player unhinged by the election of a black, democratic president. you masquerade as humor your ugliness and falsehoods about the president and first lady. these only expose your character flaws and your obama derangement syndrome. ironically, you exhibit a borderline personality disorder by projecting your own failures, shortcomings and incompetency onto the objects of your anger and hatred. the bile you spew is only true about you.
April 25th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Marcus: Thank you for your comment. You have presented a concise profile of the forces which we, the advocates of liberty, must confront. You have distilled for us the tactics of the contemporary, politically-correct brand of collectivism. All the way down to the inevitable charge of racism and the Soviet-style use of psychiatry to bludgeon dissent.
We’re onto you, my friend, and this is what makes you so angry.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:06 am
I find it amusing that Markus actually knows how to use a $3 word like “indicia” but apparently hasn’t learned the significance of capitalization in his prose.
April 28th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Don Miguel: I was thinking about this myself. Thank you for bringing it up.
By the way, welcome to AWOL!
May 2nd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I’m new to your Site, but after reading your script for the new TV Show, I can only hope that you can find the right actors to turn this series into an on-going YouTube Video series for any and all viewers. I agree with Mr. Tweedy….I need some Humor and you have provided it. Keep up the good work.
PS Added your Blog to my Favorites!
May 5th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Kanservative: Welcome to AWOL! Thank you for your kind words. Glad you’re enjoying the site.
August 1st, 2009 at 3:36 pm
as if terrorism isnt a form of propoganada. You believe in these wars? commies, terrorist, before you know it well have another common enemey to “unite” the people and start another profitable war.