Michelle Knows Best, episode 21: “Anthropogenic Orbital Wobbling”
[Note #1: I invite you to read the review of my novel The Kicker of St. John’s Wood, appearing on the website Left Coast Rebel.]
[Note #2: Below is the twenty-first episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
We join Michelle as she conducts her weekly inspection of the White House kitchen. She is especially fastidious this week, given the alarming deterioration of her daughter Malia’s body-mass index. As she surveys the stock of salad greens, Barack creeps up silently and taps her on the shoulder.
MICHELLE
Barry! You’re back from Blair House already. How’s the reconciliation going?
BARACK
Don’t ask. [gives her a kiss] Did you forget that we have a guest coming?
MICHELLE
A guest?
BARACK
Yes, James Hansen from NASA.
MICHELLE
Oh, that’s right. What’s this for, again?
BARACK
To discuss problems we’re having with the Global Warming deniers.
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CPAC and the New Empowerment
Last week I participated, as an exhibitor, in the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington, D.C. It was an enriching experience on many levels. Perhaps most significantly, I left the conference newly invigorated, thrilled to see so many intelligent, committed people working to take our country back from the usurpers and pretenders into whose hands it has fallen.
What exactly comprises the Conservative movement in America today? At CPAC the answer was apparent. The movement is a broad spectrum of individuals with many different approaches to public life: defenders of the Constitution; “Hayekian” classical liberals; assorted freethinkers; libertarians; free-market enthusiasts; and believers in the traditions that made America strong and prosperous.
There are many disagreements among them. Such is a natural outcome for a movement with diversity. Notice that I write diversity with a small “d.” This means real diversity, the kind that is spontaneous and non-coercive, not the phony variety that our collectivist overlords use to crush the development of rational inquiry. Despite their differences, these authentically diverse Americans have one important thing in common: they reject the totalitarian, politically correct, neo-Marxist ideology that has taken hold of Western civilization like a tiger seizing its prey. And they are prepared to take action to dislodge that prey from the mouth of the beast.
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Headlines from the Year 2020 (no. 15)
This is the fifteenth installment in a continuing series. Here is what life will be like in the year 2020 if our civilization continues to go AWOL:
- Attorney-General Bill Ayers announces prosecution of all former employees of defense contractors for “crimes against humanity”
- Hank (formerly Hillary) Clinton returns to Mayo Clinic following complications from last year’s sex-change operation
- Former President Bill Clinton’s skin pigmentation transplant complete; “Now they’ll see with their own eyes that I really was the first black president” he remarks
- New law in Oregon: Men required to post $100,000 bond before propositioning a woman for romantic encounter; requirement can be waived by the woman, with two witnesses
- Cost of B.A. degree from Harvard passes $1 million mark; attendance no longer mandatory
- Scuffle breaks out between ACORN and Black Panther personnel over responsibility for safety of Democratic candidates
- Hollywood screenwriters’ union to enforce new rules for dialogue: No sentences longer than four words; no words over four letters
- In out-of-court settlement with NOW, Netflix agrees to censor all pre-2015 movies for sexist content; Wizard of Oz is first casualty
- Oprah appointed Culture Czar; first official act is to condemn the “glass ceiling for minorities” in the entertainment industry
- Average length of novels published in 2019 is 30 pages; “that’s still too long for use in public schools” says National Education Association
- Iranian invasion of Florida coast met with fierce resistance by Marines; Ron Paul decries “unconstitutional abuse of power by the federal government”
- Geert Wilders released on parole; immediately re-arrested by Dutch authorities to guard against Muslim backlash
- Muslim population of Britain at 40%, unchanged from last year; the Guardian warns of “permanent native majority protected by the jingoistic and xenophobic BNP”
Would you care to add your own headlines?
[Note: To see earlier installments of “Headlines from the Year 2020," click the All Fiction link on the sidebar (located under Orwellian Snapshots).]
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Michelle Knows Best, episode 20: “Body Mass Index”
[Note: Below is the twentieth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
We join the First Family—Michelle, Barack, Malia, and Sasha—around the dinner table in the dining room of the White House. A special guest is sharing the meal: Dr. Regina Benjamin, the Surgeon-General of the United States. All present, with the exception of Malia, are happily munching on their appetizers, a watercress salad with arugula, low-fat goat cheese, raw spinach, and bean sprouts.
MICHELLE
Malia, why aren’t you eating your salad?
MALIA
[with big pout] I don’t want any.
MICHELLE
I’m sorry, but this has gone too far. You haven’t eaten anything for two days! You always have such a great appetite. What happened?
MALIA
You said I was fat.
BARACK
No, dear, mother said that your body mass index was disproportional.
MALIA
I’m never eating again.
Malia throws up in her plate, but it’s more a dry heave than real vomiting.
SASHA
Ewww! That’s gross!
REGINA
Uh-oh, looks like a case of anorexia nervosa.
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State of the Union: Words vs. Thoughts
[Note: I will be attending the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington, February 18-20, as an exhibitor. If you'll be there, come visit my booth (#1006) and introduce yourself.]
Below are selected quotes from the President’s State of the Union address of January 27, followed in each case by what Mr. Obama was thinking at that particular moment. His thoughts, I believe, may prove to be more interesting and revealing than the actual words spoken. Let’s take a peek into the mind of The Anointed One, shall we?
“Madam Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans: Our Constitution declares that from time to time, the President shall give to Congress information about the state of our union.”
Maybe the Constitution isn’t so bad after all. Imagine that—it tells me that I need to make speeches! As if I needed prodding, heh heh.
“But when the Union was turned back at Bull Run, and the Allies first landed at Omaha Beach, victory was very much in doubt.”
I don’t know where these speechwriters get their information. Omaha is smack in the middle of the country; what beach are they talking about? How could anybody land there?
“Again, we are tested. And again, we must answer history’s call.”
After all, is this not the most historic presidency ever? Isn’t my very presence here historic? Has one nanosecond of my time in the White House (I hate that name) not been historic?
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Orwellian Snapshots, episode 11: “An Elite University”
[Note #1: I invite you to read Teresa Rice's review of my novel The Kicker of St. John’s Wood, appearing on the website Teresamerica.]
[Note #2: Below is the eleventh installment of the Orwellian Snapshots (future time travel) series. For background information, including how I came to have access to the time machine in the White House basement, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Orwellian Snapshots" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
Have you noticed that the Ivy League universities have been prominent topics in the blogosphere? A prime example is Mr. Obama’s attendance—and undisclosed performance—at Columbia and Harvard Law (not to mention Michelle’s foray into the PC swamp at Princeton). This coming on the heels of endless reports of affirmative action, declining standards, Marxist indoctrination, and rampant grade inflation.
And then there was Obama’s little smear campaign against the Cambridge police officer who had the temerity to arrest one of the high priests of the victim industry, Harvard’s “Professor” Henry Louis Gates, Jr., director of the W. E. B. Du Bois Institute for African and African-American Research. Oh, and who can forget Lawrence Summers, drummed out of the presidency of Harvard by a pack of frothing feminists and their hordes of intellectual eunuchs?
These are our “elite” universities? The myth that an Ivy League education produces smart, competent, and cultivated people is now collapsing. In what was once respectfully called “arts and letters,” these institutions have become factories for leftist ideologues.
And thus I was infused with curiosity to see the future condition of that once-hallowed institution, Harvard. I arranged to be in the White House, and, come nightfall, I stole into the basement and fired up the time machine. I set the dials for Harvard Yard in the spring of 2020.
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Michelle Knows Best, episode 19: “Blockbuster of the Century”
[Note: Below is the nineteenth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
We join Michelle in the White House, alone in the bedroom of the presidential apartment. She’s dressed in a blue Spandex exercise suit. Observing herself in the mirror, she turns her body this way and that, and lifts her arms to flex her muscles. A pout is seen on her face as she mutters words of dissatisfaction. All of a sudden her eyes widen as Barack appears next to her. She spins around to face him.
MICHELLE
Barry! You’re back from Massachusetts already. How did it go? [gives him a kiss]
BARACK
Not so great. The Republican propaganda machine is in full swing, fooling the people into believing that Scott Brown is a moderate. Heh…Scott Brown…
MICHELLE
And to think that it’s Ted Kennedy’s seat. You know, maybe the voters just want a white guy in that seat, so that even a white woman will be rejected.
BARACK
That’s how it is in Boston. They make liberal noises, but scratch a little, and you find sexism and racism that would be perfectly at home in Mississippi. Remember the busing riots?
MICHELLE
Never mind busing, remember the Cambridge police?
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Headlines from the Year 2020 (no. 14)
This is the fourteenth installment in a continuing series. Here is what life will be like in the year 2020 if our civilization continues to go AWOL:
- All business owners and executives now required to pass annual exam on ecology, sexual harassment, diversity, and the history of racial and gender discrimination in the workplace
- Associated Press: Unexpectedly, unemployment surpasses 60%; experts confounded
- All mineral, oil, and natural gas extraction outlawed in U.S. due to looming extinction of the boll weevil
- Oliver Stone, on behalf of the Progressive movement, issues formal apology to Adolph Hitler for frequent and unwarranted comparisons with George W. Bush
- Faculty at Harvard Dept. of Gender Studies admits responsibility for arson at Cambridge cinema showing a John Wayne film
- National Endowment for the Arts spends $50 million on teaching pre-schoolers how to paint a canvas entirely black
- City of London prohibits construction of new churches; Muslim groups protest “infidel trick” designed to allow existing structures to remain
- Airliner crashes into and sinks cruise ship in the 2,756th isolated incident since 2010; aggregate death toll reaches five million
- Attorney-General orders investigation of “Christian conspiracy” following the second bombing of an abortion clinic since 2010
- Supreme Court rules that all laws passed by Republican legislative majorities are inherently racist and therefore violate the Equal Protection clause of the 14th Amendment
- State of California orders closure of all public-school programs in chemistry, physics, and math; $50 billion in damages awarded to “victims of white supremacy” who failed the subjects
- Barnes & Noble: Stores will no longer stock books written before 2015; special orders for earlier titles may be available, but only after DHS approval and background check
- New study: Faking the possession of both male and female organs before job interview boosts chances of getting hired by 78%
- Windows 14 to be released only in Chinese; translations into European languages to be available by 2025
- James Cameron released from sanitorium; to make film about liberation of blue natives from red communists by white and black Marines
Would you care to add your own headlines?
[Note: To see earlier installments of “Headlines from the Year 2020," click the All Fiction link on the sidebar (located under Orwellian Snapshots).]
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Michelle Knows Best, episode 18: “Hawaii-Five-Obama”
[Note #1: I invite you to read the review of my novel The Kicker of St. John’s Wood, appearing on the website Notoriously Conservative.]
[Note: Below is the eighteenth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
We join the First Couple on the beach in Hawaii. The weather is glorious; the sound of the ocean permeates the scene. Secret Service agents have secured the perimeter of the beach, and several helicopters patrol the sky. Michelle is sitting on a blanket, watching Barack running toward her from the water. He’s holding a surfboard, smiling from ear to ear.
BARACK
Wow, the waves here are great. I haven’t surfed like this in years.
MICHELLE
I can’t relax, Barry. The sand is sticking to my skin, there are these awful gnats, and the crew from People Magazine cancelled their interview, saying it was too expensive to fly them all out here. Can you imagine that? The nerve!
Bo the Portuguese water dog runs up from the water’s edge, and shakes himself out, all over Michelle. [laughter from audience]
MICHELLE
Oh, that stupid dog. Now I’m all wet. That’s the last straw.
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Headlines from the Year 2020 (no. 13)
[Note #1: AWOL Civilization is taking its Christmas vacation. We would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. The next post will be Wednesday, January 6.]
[Note #2: I invite you to read John Houk’s review of my novel The Kicker of St. John's Wood, in SlantRight.com.]
This is the thirteenth installment in a continuing series. Here is what life will be like in the year 2020 if our civilization continues to go AWOL:
- From his summer retreat in rural Sweden, Tiger Woods announces the opening of B-BADS (Buxom Blonde Anti-Discrimination Society); competition for college internships expected to be intense
- Hottest new job: Fling Fairness Counselor, who helps athletes and celebrities achieve racial and ethnic diversity in their choice of illicit relationships
- Climate absolutely normal for eighth straight year; “just wait until the recession is over,” warns Al Gore
- Columbia School of Journalism officially drops fact-checking from its curriculum; “that’s so 1950s,” says the dean, Keith Olbermann
- British Prime Minister Jacqui Smith raped in the House of Lords by Muslim peers; “it was a legitimate expression of grievances over the House’s racist history,” she concedes
- Selections by treatment approval committees fail to “look like America”; doctors warned by Health Czar to boost percentage of white males denied care
- Safe Schools Czar Roman Polanski prosecutes Indiana high-school teacher for failing to educate students about the horrors of heterosexual relations between consenting adults
- Annual inflation rate approaching 1,000 %; U.S. Treasury to issue “inflation bonds” to cover the loss in real value of existing bonds
- Canada’s psychiatric hospitals overflowing with patients; “even though they committed despicable hate crimes, they still deserve humane treatment” admits head of Canadian Human Rights Commission
- Last manufacturer leaves American shores; “it’s nothing but capitalist greed, driven by Christian fundamentalism,” says Business Czar Van Jones
- Last French restaurant in Paris moves to Tokyo; “good riddance to that vestige of European imperialism and ethnocentrism” declares EU President Zapatero
- Only three permits issued last year in the U.S. for construction of new houses; trend hailed as major victory for green building regulations
- Vacant premises of defunct NY Stock Exchange taken over by the Carbon Credit Exchange; annual trading reaches $40 quadrillion
- U.N. Secretary-General Oprah Winfrey declares Michelle Obama to be the Messiah; Nobel Committee Chair Barack Obama threatens to retract Oprah’s 2018 Nobel Peace prize
- Santa Claus to be tried in San Francisco court for cruelty to animals, income-tax evasion, tree genocide, and child abuse against kids with low self-esteem who failed to qualify as “nice” during the previous year
Would you care to add your own headlines?
[Note: To see earlier installments of “Headlines from the Year 2020,” click the All Fiction link on the sidebar (located under Orwellian Snapshots).]
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