Michelle Knows Best, episode 7: “Whiter Than the White Sox”
[Note #1: I invite you to read columnist David Huntwork’s review of my novel The Kicker of St. John’s Wood, in WesternFront America.]
[Note #2: If you’re attending the FreedomFest conference next week (July 9-11) in Las Vegas, please stop by and say hello. I will have a booth on the exhibition floor.]
[Note #3: Below is the seventh episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
We join Michelle, Barack, and the girls (Sasha and Malia) as they spend a quiet evening relaxing in the living room. The girls are sitting on the floor, playing a board game. Michelle and Barack are seated on the couch, watching television. Barack has his arm around the First Lady. On the TV screen is a baseball game.
BARACK: [pointing at the TV] Hey, that’s our Chicago team, the White Sox.
MICHELLE: I hate that name, White Sox.
BARACK: They’re not doing so well this season.
MICHELLE: At least the name could have been neutral, like big socks or comfortable socks.
BARACK: The bullpen could use a little help.
MICHELLE: Barry, there really aren’t so many African-Americans in baseball, are there?
BARACK: Oh, I don’t know. A fair number. Not like football or basketball, of course.
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Headlines from the Year 2020 (no. 8)
This is the eighth installment in a continuing series. Here is what life will be like in the year 2020 if our civilization continues to go AWOL:
- First transgendered bisexual mute paraplegic pygmy to win Miss America
- Another quarterback suspended from NFL for fondling his female center
- Dept. of Education orders closing of all school playgrounds due to their being “incubators of aggressive, sexist behavior”
- Native French population of Paris increased last year from 8 to 9 percent; chief imam of France warns of Muslim backlash
- New hate-crime law passes Senate; if defendant is judged to be “right-wing extremist,” sentence automatically lengthened by five years
- Pirates win class-action suit against Navy officer who mispronounced one word of Miranda rights
- CEOs of companies making green, sustainable, low-carbon products to be exempt from salary limits
- Forbes: Al Gore now wealthiest man on earth; “Yes, we can” he declares
- Tax Dept. announces new tax on taxpayers who resist taxation on existing taxes
- All veterans to undergo compulsory annual psychiatric exam
- Diplomatic corps to be trained in how to “avoid offending the religious sensibilities of one’s captors” and to “behave gracefully during a beheading”
- Arctic ice continues to expand; population of Alaska dwindles to fifty thousand
- Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals orders baseball teams to have equal number of left and right-handed batters and pitchers
- Neighborhood in Shanghai nicknamed “Wall Street Heights” after arrival of thousands of exiled American and European entrepreneurs
- Richard Dawkins appointed Archbishop of Canterbury; declares God to be nothing but a “primitive construct, fabricated by the male patriarchy to sidetrack the masses from their quest for authentic evolution”
- Average waiting time to see physician reaches ten months; Surgeon-General seizes property of doctors who refuse to accept patients
- NY Stock Exchange closes its doors after total value of private-sector capitalization falls under $5 million
Would you care to add your own headlines?
[Note: To see earlier installments of “Headlines from the Year 2020,” click the All Fiction link on the sidebar.]
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Michelle Knows Best, episode 6: “My Whole Body Tingles”
[Note: Below is the sixth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
In today’s episode, we fast-forward to December, 2009. We find Michelle in the corridors of the White House, walking at a brisk pace, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs at her side. They are on their way to the press briefing room.
MICHELLE: I hate being late.
ROBERT: Sorry, but I couldn’t get off the phone with Hugo. It was worth it, though; he agreed to do a joint speaking tour with Barry in February. It’ll include all of the big Latin American capitals.
MICHELLE: Great. Is that part of the ‘South America is America Too’ campaign?
ROBERT: You got it.
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Michelle Knows Best, episode 5: “Allah be Praised”
[Note #1: I invite you to read Mike D'Virgilio's review of my novel Workshop of the Second Self in The Culture Project. While you're there, check out that excellent website.]
[Note #2: Below is the fifth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
This week we join Barack at Camp David, as he begins a tête-à-tête with the most eminent spokesman of America’s Muslim community, His Excellency the Imam Dr. Sheikh Ahmed al-Khalidi Faisal Habash Abu-Ammar Muhammed ibn-Fahed al-Masri, Jr. The president had requested an audience with the noted imam in order to discuss issues related to the recent speech in Cairo. The two men are seated on the veranda in the late afternoon, enjoying some light refreshments. (Michelle will not be appearing in today’s episode; she had to give a speech at the annual meeting of the Daughters of the Cuban Revolution.)
BARACK: It is an honor to have you here, Your Excellency. Salaam.
THE IMAM: Salaam to you as well, my dear Hussein. I can call you that, right?
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Michelle Knows Best, episode 4: “Airplane: The Last Sequel”
[Note: Below is the fourth episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
This week we join Michelle, Barack, and the girls (Malia and Sasha) aboard Air Force One. The four of them are in the lounge area. Michelle is staring out the window. Barack is perusing some documents. The girls are sitting on the floor, with toys and dolls strewn about.
SASHA: Mom, when are we landing already?
MICHELLE: Very soon, dear. There’s a big storm in San Francisco, so we have to circle around a few times. It’s not safe to land yet.
MALIA: [jumping onto Michelle’s lap] Let’s go to Yellowstone instead!
MICHELLE: Yellowstone is a beautiful park, but I don’t want to be in Utah, that Republican theocracy. [chuckle from audience] Anyway, Daddy has to accept his award for man of the year from the Association for the Protection of Society from Veterans.
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Time Travel, episode 11: “El Presidente”
[Note: Below is the eleventh episode of the Time Travel series. For background information, read this post. For past episodes, click the "Time Travel" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
I arrived at the White House just before the appointed hour. When I presented myself at the reception desk, a security guard handed me a note from Robert Gibbs, who was supposed to greet me and escort me to the time machine. Here is what he wrote:
Sorry I can’t be there today, something important came up. You know how it is around here, always a crisis. Have to go deal with the press corps. They’re morons, but at least they’re progressive, and understand the mission of this administration. Anyway, today you’ll be traveling to Cuba, in the year 1959. You’ll see the new cabinet in its first session, just after the end of the revolution. Your mission: Bring back evidence that the Castro regime began its life as a democracy. We have to show the American people that they’ve been duped by the Republicans, who made Cuba into a convenient enemy and scapegoat, claiming that the government was an oppressive dictatorship. Good luck. Robert Gibbs.
The security guard accompanied me to the time machine. All the instruments were pre-set. I started it up, and in short order found myself in Havana in February 1959, inside the chambers of the new government.
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Michelle Knows Best, episode 3: “A Supreme Court Nominee”
[Note: Below is the third episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
We join Michelle, Barack, and Rahm in the Oval Office. They are discussing the nomination of a new justice for the Supreme Court, to replace the retiring Justice Souter.
RAHM: I can’t overemphasize the importance of this appointment. The American people have been waiting for a justice who really understands the way law functions in a progressive society.
MICHELLE: Yeah, someone who has empathy, someone who will make America into a place I can be proud of.
BARACK: And he should reflect the diversity of the new America.
MICHELLE: He?
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Orwellian Snapshots, episode 5: “The Mercydown”
[Note: Below is the fifth episode of the Orwellian Snapshots (future time travel) series. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Orwellian Snapshots" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
As you may know, the hero of my latest novel (The Kicker of St. John’s Wood) is a professional football player in the year 2020. One of the elements in his politically-correct nightmare is a peculiar form of affirmative action: the introduction of the first woman player in the NFL.
The thought occurred to me: Why not use the time machine to check the accuracy of my forecast? How close was I to the eventual reality? To answer these questions, I set the dials for a Sunday afternoon in the autumn of 2020, in a locale that was likely to have good weather: Los Angeles. (Yes, I was gambling that a pro team had returned to the city.) The time machine landed next to the Coliseum, at the edge of the parking lot.
Sure enough, it was a gorgeous day and a football game was about to begin. I followed the burgeoning crowd into the facility, and headed for the fifty yard line, about ten rows up from the field. I treated myself to seats I could never afford in real life.
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Time Travel, episode 10: “The Hanoi Hilton”
[Note: Below is the tenth episode of the Time Travel series. For background information, read this post. For past episodes, click the "Time Travel" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
Prior to this week’s jaunt into the past, I was briefed at the White House by Robert Gibbs. He gave me a thorough overview of the mission that awaited me.
“Gary, after all these years, the nation is still not completely aware that the Vietnam War was fought for corporate profits. Even some people who admit it was a mistake still cling to the belief that North Vietnam was an evil dictatorship, and that it belonged to some worldwide communist conspiracy. Because of Republican propaganda, they ignore the eyewitness testimony of Jane Fonda and others who tried to show the West the reality of the country: a progressive experiment, a beacon of hope for the world, especially for the developing countries.”
“Yes,” I said, “clearly those efforts have failed.”
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Michelle Knows Best, episode 2: “Memorial Day”
[Note #1: I invite you to read the review of my novel Workshop of the Second Self that appeared last week in The People's Cube.]
[Note #2: Below is the second episode of the TV series Michelle Knows Best. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Michelle Knows Best" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
We join the First Couple sitting up in bed, dressed in their pajamas. Barack has numerous papers strewn across his side of the giant bed. Michelle is reading Cosmopolitan, which has a picture of her on the front cover. She shows the cover to Barack.
MICHELLE: I don’t like this picture, do you, Barry?
BARACK: [Not raising his eyes from the document he’s reading.] Uhh … yes, dear, you look wonderful. [Places the document on the night table.] I think we have to do something for Memorial Day.
MICHELLE: [Throws the magazine onto the floor in a fit of disgust.] I hate that picture.
BARACK: Gibbs told me that all the presidents do something on Memorial Day. You know, some kind of ceremony.
MICHELLE: What a sad day, though. Can’t we just have Joe handle it?
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Orwellian Snapshots, episode 4: “The Ministry of Social Realignment”
[Note: Below is the fourth episode of the Orwellian Snapshots (future time travel) series. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Orwellian Snapshots" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
Having once lived in London, I was rather curious to see what the city would look like in a few years from now. So after slithering my way to the sub-basement of the White House, I set the dials of the time machine for a voyage to London in June of 2017.
From the moment I emerged from my protective bubble, it was clear that things had taken a turn for the worse. The streets were filthy, and public monuments were in a state of advanced decay. Graffiti was everywhere. Gangs of teenagers roamed the streets. Were I not invisible to those around me, I would have been terribly frightened.
And this was in the good neighborhoods.
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Michelle Knows Best, episode 1: “A Presidential Cheeseburger”
This is the screenplay for the first episode of a new TV series, Michelle Knows Best. Join us for the zany adventures of Michelle, Barack, and the girls as the Obamas come rolling into town.
The premise is admittedly far-fetched, but just play along for a moment: Imagine what outrageous farce and knee-slapping comedy would result if one day a neo-Marxist community organizer from the Chicago political machine, of obscure national and religious background, along with his anti-American lawyer wife, woke up one morning and found himself in the White House!!
So sit back and settle in for this post-modern blend of The Jeffersons, The Beverly Hillbillies, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Guaranteed to please.
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Headlines from the Year 2020 (no. 7)
This is the seventh installment in a continuing series. Here is what life will be like in the year 2020 if our civilization continues to go AWOL:
- First illegal alien to be elected governor takes oath of office in Sacramento
- Congress: White stars in American flag to be replaced by multicolored stars
- IRS introduces $5,000 tax rebate for documented cases of “low self-esteem”
- Inflation reaches 500%; Treasury Secretary Murtha: “We’re printing money as fast as possible to make up the lost value”
- Vermont legislature outlaws construction boots, deemed offensive to women and minorities
- Necrophiliacs demand marriage rights; gravediggers’ union threatens walkout
- All CEOs to be appointed by Secretary of Commerce; “this is not socialism” says Department spokesperson
- Hollywood studios: James Cagney, Gary Cooper, and Humphrey Bogart airbrushed out of all movies, to be replaced by Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Tom Hanks
- Sixty Minutes reveals: Winston Churchill was illegitimate child of English mother and Kenyan father
- NFL Commissioner: starting next season, every single play will be reviewed in the booth
- Names of Viet Cong dead added to Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington
- Last fully-ethnic Norwegian leaves Norway; Prime Minister Abu Abu-Muhammed: “We start now on the half-breeds.”
- Airline crashes with affirmative-action pilots down 20% from last year
- Code Pink denounces Lenin and Stalin as “insufficiently progressive” due to their “lack of sensitivity to the plight of the transgendered.”
- Britain outlaws use of the word “Britain” as jingoistic and discriminatory
- New York Times, Daily Kos, and Huffington Post merge; new entity known as Your Daily New York Huff ‘n Puff
- ACLU discovers clause in Constitution that denies First Amendment rights to white Southerners
- White House electricity to be supplied by bovine flatulence; Rose Garden to be used as cow pasture
- House and Senate issue joint resolution apologizing to the world for “everything America hasn’t already apologized for”
Would you care to add your own headlines?
[Note: To see earlier installments of “Headlines from the Year 2020,” click the All Fiction link on the sidebar.]
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Time Travel, episode 9: “Of Igloos and Polar Bears”
[Note: Below is the ninth episode of the Time Travel series. For background information, read this post. For past episodes, click the "Time Travel" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
There was a bit of a change this week at the White House. Rahm had called to let me know that his busy schedule no longer allowed him to participate in the Time Machine project. His capable colleague, Robert Gibbs, would be taking his place. Rahm thanked me for my contribution thus far, and said that I could contact him at any time should the need arise.
Indeed, it was Mr. Gibbs who briefed me before my journey back in time. He’s a bit of a nervous type, with less patience than Rahm. All the same, he took the matter very seriously.
“Gary,” he said, as we entered the chamber in which the time machine is located. “We’re sending you to Alaska, in the summer of 1750.”
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Orwellian Snapshots, episode 3: “The New Patriotism”
[Note: Below is the third episode of the Orwellian Snapshots (future time travel) series. For background information, read this post. For other episodes, click the "Orwellian Snapshots" link in the sidebar. Enjoy...]
There was a bit of a mishap this time around. I had set the dials for a trip to Ground Zero on September 11, 2019. My intent was to see how a future America commemorates 9/11. But it was not to be. The date control worked fine, but for some reason, the location mechanism was malfunctioning. As a result, I touched down in the very spot from which I departed: the sub-basement of the White House—ten years from now.
Well, I thought, I shall soon see what Fate has in store for me. I climbed the stairway until I reached the ground floor. Everything seemed more or less the same as in 2009. The place was strangely deserted, though, except for a number of grim-looking security guards.
Moving down the hallway, I heard some commotion coming from the Oval Office. I opened the door, and could barely step inside, so packed it was with people. Everyone was talking excitedly, and there were many smiles and chuckles. I noticed that the walls were covered in flags, most of which I recognized as belonging to Muslim countries.
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